Last night in my home town

Today I felt the first pangs of uncertainty. They were not overwhelming because I have behind me many years of that angst.

I should not forget about the kindness of those behind me. I am an ambassador for then to those I meet. My life is not mine entirely. Such a feeling has left me desperately lonely, or rather tediously bored.

That is not to say I am not a conversationalist. It is to say that I am glad to be finally putting some adventure into what I am doing.

I have some trepidation of how I might be perceived in my new school. I know that all that I have relied upon the past five years will somewhat dissipate. But then again, that is the purpose of this move - to realise that I am food for worms soon and that to be seen in ways I'd rather not receive is no small price for at least trying.

The most important principle as ever is to be loved, and to love. Find your courage over a greater period of time than that which sees you excited to work again.

And sleep.

Leaving angst

Today I have felt the pangs of leaving my town. For many months I have felt only a fantastic welling at the head of my chest, a rush of new adrenaline and momentum that might have once be called anxiety. The only anxiety I feel now is the finiteness and urgency of my time.

What has characterised my time is how I am one day going to be food for worms. This day that I write, and these moments that you read, will not be soon to return. Even then, I hedge my writing, unwilling to let the day go. I like to think that my hesitancy is not simple intellectual cowardice, but is perhaps rather the feeling that this day will extend out in consequences beyond that I might envisage.

Over the past four weeks of do I have been carrying a vicious injury suffered while trying too hard. It has in some ways dampened my spirit, causing me to eat poorly and rely upon others. In response I have refused pain killers. I have also enjoyed the presence of my friends with greater appreciation.

My material possessions have dripped away.

I have prepared myself in terms of scanning my books, and in terms of affirming my purpose. I am no longer blandly sufficient, but rather influenced and empowered to strive for more.

And this is done by reading and resting better than I have done so far.

Three posts in one

It is another warm day in England. At this time I am socialising every day, which is distinctly unbritish and even to some extent me. I ate and drank and spoke with some great people who had themselves travelled when they were younger. They told me of how they found the networking with others to be most important in their career. Earlier that day, my tailor had said the same.

My ambitions to prepare for school rely upon me planning fairly heftily beforehand. In the past this might have meant actually getting lesson content entirely prepared and the rest. Those days are somewhat over. I instead I need only secure the content of what I need.

Getting rid of stuff has proved interesting. I have given almost everything away. For me, while I am decent enough with money, knowing that it is to be used well by others sees it simply pass through my fingers. Good friends have been instrumental in helping me rid myself of clutter. For those items more valuable, I have found myself giving to friends or family. Knowing that they will be used well makes me satisfied.

This is how I see my job. I give society a useful and worthwhile benefit in bringing up and educating its children. In return I am given stuff of my choice. In this new tide of living I am allowed to now begin to make a new life for myself, and in doing so can pass some of my trappings onto others. The desire to receive money in return does not rise strong in me.

People ask me if I am anxious. I say I am not. My angst at living in Scarborough overrides everything. One day I am going to die. That is certain. That colours all I do in that that the debilitating routine and grind might somewhat relent. Of course the benefits of routine still stay with me.

And now my physical life begins to shrink into a 23kg case.

Getting rid of stuff

I normally struggle with getting rid of stuff. For many years I have simply carted materials from one house to another. I think being more decisive about what I want, and what I want to get rid of, will be useful.

As it is, I find myself able to wake up reasonably early today. From this I want to stir towards the day. And from that, I want to mix my day with all it requires.

Indeed!

Ebay awaits.