It has been a time, a fair time, since I last committed words to this blog. I have yet to share it amongst others.
Much change, a fair change. As Briony says in Atonement of Robbie in Dunkirk, 'what really happened'?
Today I work in the Middle East. I have made an impression that benefits me. I have improved as a teacher. I read far more now than I ever have.
I appreciate that the ambitions I had for love and family did not succeed.
I appreciate that the softness of my belly and the befuddlement of my mind are things I can battle. The battle requires calm, acceptance, and diligence. A peculiar mix of vigilance and easiness.
Last night I exercised in the gym in my incredibly expensive apartment (which, of course, I did not spend as much money on as others). There is nothing to stop me doing this again, properly, and to regain a sense of physical well-being.
My heart yearns.
The ache of this blog moves beyond the remit of classroom teaching.
I see the difficult things I plan and find reasons not to follow them. But then I realise that I either do them now, or I risk dying without those encounters.
And as my friend here wisely says, seek encounters. Before I sought experiences. But I did not really realise (lol!) what that difference was.
At the moment I work from 8 until 2. This is a good amount of time for a man that was easily pushing out fourteen hour days.
I have weeks until my holiday starts in earnest; family.
Time to seek again, and maybe to let myself be sought. What for? Who the hell knows. More than this though.
More than this.
