Instead I wrote for a few hours this week about what I want to do and why I might want to do it. This might exist as a record of this time of freedom. It is a terrifying time.
For many years I have lacked vision. Beyond perhaps writing a book, I don’t really have great ambitions to do much more. I work hard and I have some good measures of success. But these seem arbitrary and not necessary ones that speak to my spirit. I have some freedom now which I do not seem to own. When I think about Facebook, a spike of anxiety rises in me. I post so little on there and yet feel that political neutrality does not sit well with me.
I believe that the average citizen of a country should be able to live with some dignity. Is that true? Will poverty crush any dignity? Where will I find myself?
I need to fall in love with myself again. My mind needs to excite me again.
As part of that, my present self will talk to the future me below about some of my options.
I. Stay in Dubai
Normally I stay in a place until I have to leave. I find it hard to make a choice to change unless I am forced into that position. Fortunately, I have to leave this place. There is no way I can stay: my age and my social connections demand it. I will be ill otherwise. Senior leaders say the right words that they care. But the way that others have been treated echoes within me. I have made the best(ish) of my time here…
A. Pros of staying
The pros of staying in Dubai further are largely financial. I would save an enormous amount of money again, possibly another 20-30k+. I have paid off my student loan and have enough money to happily invest into a mortgage. I have some freedom now: yet more savings at the expense of health do not seem sensible.
If I stayed, I also feel that I could get a little better at KS5 teaching, although I feel that such training has gone as far as it can go given the time etc of things. There is some good conversation with some friends, but at the expense of my mind elsewhere. Better now for IB I feel.
Technically there is a better dating scene here. If I worked harder I could find women and even new groups of people. But I feel it is time for me leave, and to leave the mess that is the French woman and her Pakistani husband behind.
B. Cons of staying
Firstly, I need to consider my mental health. My lifestyle here is weak with my momentum, social and spiritual, almost entirely lost. I live a risky life with my frugality, playing hard and fast with my mind.
This current school is good in many ways: well-organised and with far less time needed to plan stuff. BUT I am also tired. It is relentless and purposefully so. It has no real rhythm. I feel a breakdown could be experienced.
I am also not meeting my kind of people, eccentric types. That would make for a better life. Instead I meet aggressively normative people. It feels like a terrible school playground where the years of being my own person are unwinding. Or, perhaps, maybe those years of being my own person are keeping me alive now.
I also feel that many of my friends, although loved, are unduly negative. I try to negotiate other forms of conversation. I know that I encourage negative conversations myself with my mum: 24 hours is all it takes in the UK to become like that. I need to be better.
II. Leave Dubai
In 226 days I will be on a flight leaving this place and I will reflect on what I have learnt in this half-life here. I will not be shattered but instead I hope the arrogance and misapplied rhythms of my work will be changed forever. In 168 days I will be on Ramadan hours and ready to take easier days. And shortly after that I will be receiving a thousand pounds a week for a relatively easy job.
The temptations to stay in Dubai are easily outweighed by the need for change.
The narrative I have given others RE: my social circle satisfies. I leave with good references and integrity.
And so what are my options?
A. 1 Take another teaching job
My first option, the default, is to take another teaching job. If I work for a good 10-20+ years more, I could have a good lump sum upon which to retire. The teacher's pension in the UK is actually extraordinarily good and needs to be appreciate by those in the system. Other choices can be made from that.
I am in a position whereby I feel mixed in what I want from my next job. I also wonder how good I actually am. My
1. What to prioritise?
And so this is the difficult thing: what will guide my future decisions about moving? How flexible can I be? Without discipline and a vision now, will any decision I make be ideal? TWE will I simply choose a job based upon whether it is advertised or not? TWE will I feel happy revelling in these winds of fate? Of how different things could be? There is a sense, is there not, that things will always be like this.
a. To work in a Recognised school (place 4)
Earlier this month, on 9th November 2018, I experienced a vivid dream about working in a new school in Asia. The accommodation was remarkably poor. I was compelled with other interviewees to lie in a sleeping bag under grey plastic sheets. This disturbed me. One girl, who was Lynsey from Lee Mar, strode past carrying a sleeping bag. There weren't enough apparently. Shortly after I left this school, located next to a hotel (BST?) and made my way back to the airport. There is too much possibility of dangerous disorganisation in brand new schools... and yet I am seeking to interview for one? It is an interview that I am struggling to organise. Says it all…
b. Finding a partner? (place 1)
The surprising first priority I found here is the desire to find a partner. If I am being true, this is what I thought of when I went to Bejing: this is why I dated three women in the first month of being there, and why I fell in love so deep with someone I should have not done. I was starved of love in Scarborough. I am wiser now.
Of course, perhaps the best option to do this is to move back to the UK. I could take up residence in an independent school or similar. I think being willing to work anywhere in the UK would be ideal.
Equally so, travelling might mean that I meet someone.
c. To make savings? (place 5)
I don't want to lead a poor life. I have spent a lot of money over the past year without happy memories for it. A frugal life that is stoic is ideal: a frugal life that splurges without care is less so.
Saving money is part of a wider life: a life that I should understand in its entirety. Family and support and kids and partner make a difference: savings exist to give choices.
d. A supposedly easier place? (place 6)
Is Dubai an easy place to work? Is my school an easy place to work? The curriculum is... strained. It is based on exams and in doing so is fairly mindless. The lesson are there, however. I am aware, also, of the flaws of my approach. Too much teacher-led at the moment.
I do think that a place that is a little kinder would make me happier. That would also be more conducive to finding an apt partner. My school is actually alright, if you take away some of the difficult personalities. Working hard is not a huge problem if you have perspective.
e. Less isolated place (place 1)
Is Dubai isolated? Do I isolate myself? I think it is more likely that I isolate myself. Like in Wolverhampton, I feel too shy to venture out easily. I am aware of that - from next week I need to change my social approach, without any doubt. But moving will help with this in many ways. Anywhere I go will be a positive move.
f. An example of what my career could be (place 7)
This is an interesting point. TWE do I want to strive for a hard/difficult school as a way of proving to myself that I am able? A challenging school... and a school where high standards can be attained without outrageously consuming work is ideal, too. The OneNote and booklet/textbook/pre-reading culture is one to implement. Find some rhythm in work. There are gaps that I need to address with the need to implement self-directed learning etc.
But I am happy to accept a school that achieves the previous points above this. I am not seeking merely Tanglin and Patana. It surprises me to write that.
g. A job that is actually available (place 2)
Of course, the thing that determines getting a teaching job, or not, is what actually arrives in my email. ESF seems a good post: whether those jobs are available, though, is something else. Interestingly, the wage for Malvern seems higher than elsewhere. We will see if that is the case.
Applying for jobs proactively seems smart. Last week, on the day before our inspection started, was a job fair in Dubai. My weary illness and inspection responsibilities demanded my attention elsewhere and I did not go.
Talking to a great friend of mine whom I respect hugely told me of his phases of applying. There is not really a job that has arisen that I admire. But at least these jobs have come up.
2. Future teaching career/job possibilities
And so I should have one eye on the future. I cannot be a classroom teacher forever, can I? Certainly not in the state school, unless it is a place that allows me rhythms of living elsewhere. The neoliberalist system seems one that threatens to hound people out, or even just require far too much of them. There are other jobs and other careers and paths I could consider, something I do now:
a. 2 Continue as a classroom teacher
So, a balanced life would see me continue as a classroom teacher in the right roles. In a difficult school this will be arduous. That difficulty could be in a school that is ineffective, or in a social casualty area. Otherwise, a classroom teacher job is doable. It is an interesting job of craft. It feels worthy to influence people. It is often interesting. It is not terribly arduous when done right. But… it is something that I did in some quiet earnestness after leaving university. There have been a handful of people I have respected in that time. Not too many elsewhere.
b. 1 Classroom leadership
Firstly, it seems most likely that I will continue to take on some leadership roles. Still I will be teaching, but leading a key stage, or even a department. That would be interesting. This is a big step forward, and one at my age that I expect to take on as well. It would be easier in some ways and more difficult in others. I am in a peculiar position with this: which of my bosses would I rather be like? Such leadership also requires me to be invited into such roles – I seem not inclined to strive for them myself for some reason.
c. 3 Consultant/different kind of job
B trainer; technology consultant; curriculum consultant; school inspector... there are many roles that I can choose to take on if I prove myself in other roles. I am resolved in this; I realise I want to take on other roles now that I am older.
d. 4 Change career?
A career change is not impossible. Researching this will be interesting at some point as well. Again, living with family? Will that be available? Should I want it to be available? What will I retrain as? Is this not the case that I apply for jobs elsewhere? Again, my lifestyle might need to change and I would need to enjoy the influence of others
B. 2 Take year out travelling
My second dominant alternative option is to take advantage of my freedom and drop out of polite society for a time and travel. This will be a double-whammy of my money -I will not earn at the same time as I spend - but could lead to changes in perspective and personality that might make life easier and more enriching when I am older. It is something that I have not seriously considered, but it is something that after my next job might be more realistic. Maybe even in my next job I will be travelling with others; I will be less wilful.
1. How? Car? Van? Camp?
To travel for a time seems expensive. I also want to travel in such a way that gives me some freedom. Living from a backpack is the dominant idea. Equally so, the idea of owning a van that I live from appeals. Again, it would impact my life and the kind of people I would meet. This really is an option, especially when I venture back to society or the UK at some point. I think living from a Van in the UK seems an interesting idea, especially if I am registered elsewhere, and/or teaching or studying… this is worthy of a whole new post.
2. Extended holidays? Travelling?
Whilst travelling sounds good, I find myself doing the same things: a little tour, eating burgers and beer, and wandering the streets. I... find it hard to get out of the touristy areas. I think I need a travel companion more than I did before. I want to make memories; currently the memories with myself are mixed. I… think I want to discover myself a little bit more as well.
3. Move back home to the UK and read/write
As I say, I want to probably read and write, and need the space to do so. This would not be an easy option. It would probably be the hardest. If I was able to read and write more now as I am teaching, then I would be more comfortable with this choice. I definitely want to read and write more, but (like today) I have not read as much as I desire. I have found many excuses not to.
C. 3 Take secondment/study leave
The final option is to take a kind of study leave. I think that this is a realistic option, staying at home in Wolverhampton and doing a distance MA. I can travel somewhat, read and try to improve myself. The issue, of course, is that I will almost certainly lose momentum. I have never managed to keep it with the discipline of study. Never.
And so here are my options as they stand. I will revise these as the year moves on. The space between them is tangible.
