Today I have spent a substantial amount of time thinking of boundary setting, a term that sounds unduly technical but actually functions well as a metaphor. I know that I am not happy with socialising widely and freely in Dubai. I feel distinctly uncomfortable with a range of people. Yet now? I want to reconstruct how I respond to the world around me more usefully.
My mind occasionally drifts to those final few months of university whereby I had a sense of boundary setting. I strode into the world a confident young man, albeit brutally naïve and without almost no social capital or real support network. I loved an Australian girl from my Camp America experience, a relationship that predictably fell to pieces under the weight of distance and her capricious ambitions. In turn, with no money, I took employment in a desperate school in Hull whilst living in a tiny bedroom with a Cypriot girl. Without doubt, with my family in disarray, I suffered a breakdown of sorts. My boundaries had become quite porous because quite simply I needed to change my values and my ambitions in order to survive the circumstances that I operated within. I had little to no money and was suffering an exploitative job whilst living in decrepit accommodation. My network consisted of some drunken ex-students, although I knew three good people that kept me going.
Kindness still attracted me.
From then, 2004, I have suffered a wobbly ride until now, 2019. I consider that perhaps I have an unnecessary detachment from others: why? A lack of desire to go out with the people who surround me? A fear of being trapped and unable to leave? A disdain for the cost it takes to do anything of note in this town? And the porous nature of my wallet anyway? I know that weak boundaries led me into some romantic relationships that were not built on good sense. For that I suffered. And for now I suffer from seeking an intimate relationship based on good sense. I know that this holiday, like almost all holidays, like this article, akin to this sentence, I suffer from something of ADHD, scattering my attention between books and newspapers and conversations. My brain is flooded with dopamine. My heart is tired from its constant beating, the rivers of intensity. Things cannot go on like this.
Right now I look in this space around me and think of several ideas:
1) The part of me and my perception that is a Western rocker demands immediate action and hedonistic indiscretion. The bookish part of me demands the subversion of such behaviour for betterment. Many other parts contest these realms of being. I have the follower in me and the leader in me. Certain parts of me want to become more vociferous and open than others. Some parts are responsible, others are feckless. I do not even really know how to embrace them all, or even if I should. Instead I have a sense that I want to impose my will over things which I have no real power or status. That does not mean that, like some crazy colleagues, I desire to impose with coercion. I instead I want to cultivate my mind.
2) A real issue I have with the desire to organise the world around me is that I can be an emotional person. Perhaps an overly emotional person. It affects the way I talk and the way I come across. Yet emotional states are not things we are always in control of... how do I feel now? What third person stance might I be able to adopt to consider who I am? Is the ‘who I am’ so culturally conditioned that I might be able to unpick it? Do I want to? Following from some previous posts, whenever I have been recently stressed or feel attacked, I begin to organise things. I want to perceive what is around me as harmonious, and I want things to have their place.
3) When I consider my own worth, how does that compare to other people? Can worth be considered in itself? When I talk about 'best' and enjoying a better life, or even talking about ‘improvement’ or ‘potential’, what am I really talking about? Buddhist ideals speak of any life having worth. Just the act of being alive should be something of celebration. But Western civilisation as I experience it demeans life. It is not one which celebrates the act of existence in itself. It is a freedom from, not a freedom to. Instead it promotes more widely the idea that you must achieve tremendous material and social success in order to feel satisfied. Yet even from a young age that has never quite sat right with me. Who really understands the machinations of the schooling system? Socially, we should of course accept that certain facets of social and cultural capital will likely lead to definitions of success. But personal success? Personal definition? The strength of my own definitions seems to have waned, and unduly so. My esteem and ego seem… disconnected.
4) What is it to be nice? What is it to be good? To be nice is to be conciliatory and convergent. We appreciate nice people, or at least like them. Yet to be good is to assert boundaries and ways of seeing the world with values of sincerity and authenticity. Of course, sincerity and authenticity may not necessarily be moral, ideal, accepted or even pro-social. But the act of asserting a boundary requires ratification from some others at some point. Perhaps.
5) The problem with terms like ‘mission statements’ and ‘goals’ is that they use the language of commerce: they are inherently unmotivating and seem in appropriate. Actual mission statements or values tend to be fairly generic. Visions of great leaders do not have to, in themselves, be wondrously unusual. But they need to be firmly believed. And I don’t believe in some ‘mission statement’.
Exercising the boundary
So whatever I might think about boundaries (in my fragmented way that you can see above), I want to pragmatically establish how I can establish them psychologically and socially.
Firstly, I need to be aware of what boundaries I want to create. What are some common scenarios at work whereby a boundary or value risks being crossed? What are some boundaries that have been crossed that upset me?
a) Colleagues refusing to engage with me in the staffroom about ideas or literature or pedagogy: attempt a few times to establish that conversation. If not, spend less time with them. Seek other colleagues. Accept them for what they desire.
b) Colleague trolling me on social media in a professional setting. Speak up to them in a private medium: they get their 1-2 shots for free. Speak to others, and perhaps a leader, in a private medium to leverage action to encourage them to stop. Blocking them or leaving the group if action is not duly taken.
c) Colleagues not supporting me with an ECA: consider if others are doing the same. Report to others. Or keep quiet about it and continue.
d) Being threatened by a crazed colleague: speak to leaders. Insist on mediation. Disengage and denounce.
e) Being passed over for promotion for several posts: speak to leaders. Proactively create a role. Concentrate on circle of influence. Identify values of the leaders. Seek employment elsewhere if leaders’ values are discordant to mine.
f) A good friend being continually racist: disengage from that topic of conversation. Challenge where apt. If attacked, curtail challenges, considering nature of the friendship. When asked, be honest about the nature of the racist commentary.
g) An inability to organise my time with others: aim to meet people on a weekly basis at least on weekends; aim to organise something with more than one person once a month; clear time in my calendar – deprioritise work and individual time.
h) An inability to stick to gym times and more: ensure that I move most days; pack material for the gym; keep hydrated – pay for a gym membership; deny smoking and booze.
i) An inability to read with clarity, recognising and strengthening my need to concentrate: pack the phone away; read immediately upon waking up - remove social media from phone; book into hotel etc.
I will explain perhaps the point at which the boundary becomes too much, and what I will do.
Some facets to recognise in boundary-setting:
A. No over-explaining the boundary to others is important: reasons are often not heard or even really needed beyond the fact they exist. Just saying ‘I want to… because I want to/I have decided that’ should be enough for most interactions.
B. You cannot successfully establish a clear boundary if you send mixed messages by apologizing.
C. To consider what consequences I will enact if I don’t establish clear boundaries. Perhaps mental illness. A sense of purposelessness and a yearning for autonomy.
D. Boundary setting is a middle-class concept that operates in a world where the consequences are relatively safe. It is important to note that in violent places boundary setting needs to be adjusted. If I am to challenge all examples of sexist language, I risk being physically attacked
E. Boundaries based upon denying impingements risk losing opportunities: not having a credit card means I do not get points. Not being entrepreneurial means I don’t have chances for different activities.
F. We can frame two broad dynamics when considering how people might act/interact in boundary setting – we can actively seek to change other people, or simply keep on route with our plans. Of course this division is not as simple as it seems. Keeping on with our plans might actually be framed as an attack on others (our desire to move onto another job might undo a team that another has created). But if your action is a positive thing motivated by particular values, then you should be free to assert those values you believe in. You should be free to enact a mindset despite opposition.
G. The fear of being attacked, or the intensity of a response, risks an easy capitulation of borders. Anger is one response to a lack of boundaries on both sides. I think that there was a lack of boundaries expected in some of my previous relationships that resulted in extreme anger on my part. I remember feeling attacked by one of my brothers and overreacting in a phone call by shouting: confused and upset in an unscheduled desire for a more intimate relationship after years of distance. I remember an ex attacking me for being on an ipad in the evening because she was upset over a financial transaction – threw the ipad to the floor and would have left if I wasn’t so tied into the school. I remember being denigrated by a boss and having to relatively take it for a few days. In all of these, my emotional response was stark and strong.
Tools to Enforce Your Boundaries
1) Establish Clear Agreements with People:
“Now, I want to be clear about what each of us can expect from this agreement…”
“We will meet at the centre at 3 pm sharp?
2) Demonstrate Confident Knowledge of Yourself:
“No, that is not my style.”
“I need more structure than that, can we compromise?”
3) Reveal Commitment to Your Goals:
“I’m sorry, that just does not fit with the direction I’ve chosen.”
“I’ve committed to using my lunch hour for personal development 3 times a week, but I’d be happy to have lunch with you every other Tuesday.”
4) Exude An Air of Ownership:
Appearance that says you are authentic and know what is appropriate
Confidence in your role and contribution.
Spirit of enthusiasm and adventure.
A calm knowing.
5) Speak Up:
“No, I will not accept your behaviour.”
“I need to let you know that your actions and words hurt me.”
6) Suspend Privileges:
“I will not continue this arrangement!”
“Let’s step back and resume when we have adjusted our behaviour.”
7) Withdraw:
Withdraw emotionally to keep your objectivity.
Retreat and start fresh if the situation calls for it.
8) Denounce:
“You are no longer welcome here.”
When appropriate, refuse to speak about it, or hang up the phone. If needed, call for
help, hire an attorney, consult an advocacy support, or get a restraining order.
Forgiveness Emails: F-Emails
The last point to make in this post of associative thoughts is that I keep considering the possibility of writing a series of forgiveness emails (the F-emails, with the obvious implications). There are a number of people who occasionally cross my mind who I wish to reassert an intellectual boundary, at least in my own mind. I do not necessarily want to change their mind: I just want to express my reasons.
For that reason, I think the F-emails might be a project. I just googled this: it has been politically appropriated already. It is fairly generic term, or could at least become one, I think.
How about forgiving myself? For my past relationships, for not having stronger boundaries, for making choices about where to go, and for risky behaviour?
The Boundaries I want to Make
Intellectual worth and boundaries (you are entitled to your own thoughts and opinions, as are others)
Emotional worth and boundaries (you are entitled to your own feelings to a given situation, as are others)
Physical worth and boundaries (you are entitled to your space, however wide it may be, as are others)
Social worth and boundaries (you are entitled to your own friends and to pursuing your own social activities, as are others)
Spiritual worth and boundaries (you are entitled to your own spiritual beliefs, as are others)
