How grateful I am to be in this job right now

I am grateful to be here now, sat in a decent chair in a quiet room, good kids waiting for my input. 

My todo is not too long. The essentials of my life, the brains/books/bacon are the essentials of my day. Some personal relationships are also waiting for me too, but that is still tricky. 

Had I stayed in Dubai, my health would not be great. 

A get-through today is not enough. 

These habits become routines or rituals, which then determines my life. I am less likely to feel a disconnect, and more likely to feel meaning. 

I am busy, but not too busy. 

Simply 'coping' with my day will not be enough. 'Thriving' in the day is naive. Some mindfulness is what I need. 

The End of a Holiday and the Start of a New Year

Being happy is difficult. Suffering is inevitable. I try to avoid suffering, but in doing so can suffer in myself. 

Time is relative. I have enjoyed times of hedonism, of being an outsider or seeking the solace and status of the group. 

I have played some games, but only playing Pillars of Eternity 1 made me happy. I am looking to play more of the second one. 

Over the past two weeks I have spent far too much time on social media, being dragged into discussions that are irritating and wasting my time. 

Social media is like soda: enjoy a little bit in moderation. Like the art I play, it cannot be everything. When I was younger, I wrote 'either side of the middle line screams freedom'. Now at 40, or almost 40, I seek moderation. 

There is a reason that I do not engage with too many arguments publicly beyond a bit of my blog and my classroom. But perhaps it is because I want an easy life. Or perhaps because I am insecure in my status, I do not seek to better myself. 

I am not as intelligent as I think I am. I scraped my AAAs, not securing ideal grades at GCSE. I read reasonably well, but not as well as many others. I have some intellectual wisdom, but emotionally I lack control. There are things I would like to change, but I want the courage to somehow sense and accept the cultural context (urgh, what a word), the way things are.  

Day to day my BBB has ensured I leave each day with some feeling that it was worthy. However, the angst of living still hits me. Perhaps it is because: 

a) I do not feel day to day living is purposeful. 

b) I lack the powers of concentration that I really admire. 

c) I am actually worried because of COVID.

I would like to live more closely connected in my day to day. 

I should also like to research SEO.

Is there a way of tracking my ambitions? 

In response to these words I edited 'Bacon' to be better managed over a longer period of time. 

Maybe I need to start each day with 'Bacon'. 

Put Yourself First and Know Your Worth

What does it mean to put yourself first?

Rules of Power are dark. As a provincial man, I despise them. But they exist for a purpose. They have been leveraged against me. It is time for me to be wiser.

What does it mean to put others second?

All my ambitions will fall away if I am not in a healthy state of mind or being. I need to look after my spirit and my body. Without those I will fall away.

Being 'enough' in yourself is a great feeling. A family that turn and validate you - is that enough too? Is it possible to have a child who 'loves you to your core'?

Read with cynicism, but also see what these people might think of me...