What does it mean to work hard?

Is working hard a virtue? 

Is to be industrious ideal? 

Is achievement something that is highjacked by others? Can it be both highjacked by others for their means yet nourishing for ourselves? 

To work interminably is beyond me because it is something I do not want to do. At school I stopped working in mathematics. Lessons were crap in geography, just chatting and then bookwork. 

A-Levels were not much better. I surrounded by disaffected and mediocre minds concerned with the ambitions of teenagers from lower-middle class Wolverhampton. 

Most people are like this. 

To what extent do I want to 'go with' the culture of my school? What is the culture of our school? In my department the culture is made up of individuals. Those individuals have different ambitions. 

Why would I want to do 'extra'? What is the extra? Can I regulate my emotions? Especially the more negative emotions. 

My responses to my colleagues needs to be considered. What do I expect? What is the culture? 

A chance to apply for a Teaching and Learning Job

Be responsive. 

Concepts = 

Responsiveness

Stoic 

Ambition

Leading

Thought

Skill 

Strength

Concepts

Relationships = 

Others will feel you are responsive when you can articulate what they feel to their satisfaction. Responsiveness means empathy for the context of others. It does not mean doing what others want you to do, regardless of personal expense. 

To be stoic is to regulate your emotions. 

Ambitions are created by that immediately in front of us. I am suspicious of ambition, and of whose agenda they form. I still feel like I want to experience my inner life. 

Leading the thought of others is no easy task. To decide the field upon which we discuss is key. Concepts + character education? 

What concepts for the week ahead?

What concepts in the week ahead? 

I wrote recently a paragraph based on concepts and their relationship to each other. In the act of writing it felt contrived and weak. Reading it afterwards, though, was refreshing and clear. 

This week: 

Organised

Habits

Discipline 

Fitness

Connection

Finances

Space

Music

As soon as these concepts were listed I began to connect them. 

Fitness + finance, that my search for fitness will equate to some 'fitness points' to spend later. 

Discipline = organisation + habits. 

Connection = space 

Music seems to be the focus here...

This week I have organised some space in my schedule after less freed time than before. My habits continue well, giving me more freed time than before. That freedom is built on a bedrock of discipline, unwavering in its action and entirely expected by my court of ambitions. 

This week I aim for my music. To understand how music connects, how notes follow and create a melody, would create connections to myself, my teenage ambitions. In time it will create connections to others. 

I also in the next week aim for continued fitness, like my appreciable finance, this will lead to some 'fitness points' to spend later. 

Finally, I am aiming for connection with a few friends, but nothing too arduous. 

Working with Concepts at School

Habits + Lifestyle + Success + Achievement + Happiness

Firstly I thought that success = happiness. Success is something that others might define through academia or otherwise. 

Then I saw that success required prior achievement, which might then lead to happiness. 

But is that always possible? Success in academia was not really possible with the education I had, as sparse as it was in history and culture. 

Achievement is the opium of the middle classes, equated to happiness in a way that does not exist for the highest and the lowest in society. Achievement is measured in different ways, but perhaps always with a potentially economic bent. 

In order to achieve, a lifestyle must be sought, one of sacrifice and determination. Now our equation is lifestyle = achievement = success = happiness. 

What is a lifestyle? It compromises of distinct habits in the day. Everyday I read, and have done for 8/9 months. I have read for 112 hours in that time. Tremendous! 

Therefore habits = lifestyle = achievement = success = happiness. 

To phrase this, I say that my focus should be on my habits because good habits become an ideal lifestyle. An ideal lifestyle creates the conditions that make achievement possible. Achievement is often recognised by others and can lead to a momentum of success. Such success will be celebrated and can evoke feelings of happiness. 

I am suspicious of this model because it equates achievement with happiness. But there is something in this. 

What makes a tough life or otherwise?

My life is not tough right now. 

a) I am not in Wolverhampton fighting the bullies. 

b) I am not in the midst of an absent father. 

c) I do not have a major injury. 

d) I do not have Louise Fordesque bosses that are causing runners. 

e) I am not sitting on impossible debt. 

Instead: 

a) I am getting fitter everyday just maintaining my diet. 

b) I am admired at work and supported by many.

c) I am sleeping well (save last night!). 

d) I can play music every day. 

e) I enjoy good friends. 

The frustration I feel at the music and the right-wing tabloid terms yesterday become grave injuries in an easy life. 

Suffer them. Welcome that frustration as something else. Figure that out. 

Iteration, Perfection, Success?

Iteration, Perfection, Success? 

Iteration, Progression, Success? 

Middle Class language communicates achievement as success. Overachievement is oversuccess, presumably. I used to see no problem in that - indeed, linking achievement with success was a natural and ideal state for me to be. Yet achievement is not something that can be controlled through hardwork and virtue. It is not an ideal state at all. Virtue is a better state. 

Yet virtue itself needs ideal conditions to really grow. Rituals, health, sleep - these are not optional measures for virtue to thrive. Good behaviour based on rational self-interest cannot exist without the conditions that encourage it. That is why I am fortunate I did not choose so many of those friends and lovers more than I did (and perhaps why I fortunate they did not choose me). 

My thoughts on this have changed though. I watched a cooking show about a middle child in India who overachieved to make her parents proud. It finally resonated with me what I have known for a fair time - this search for success to make us proud is problematic. 

Here are some reasons why: 

1) You are good as a human being in yourself. Aiming for achievement as measures of success suggests more about you than just that field. 

2) Success does not necessarily mean satisfaction. I have achieved much in the way of success, but the visceral experience of controlling myself via brains, brawn, books, bacon feels more satisfying than some of those conventional measures, such as work and certificates. 

3) The fields in which we might experience success are narrow. Those fields might benefit others - work hard hard as a teacher to achieve success. They might require too much of ourselves, of our time and souls - take too much time to mark to achieve success. 

Today I play music publicly. I have practice every day. I could not have realistically practiced more in the finite time I gave. If I do not give more time then I cannot expect a better performance. With the finite time I cannot expect perfection. 

Instead, I should only expect an iteration that may or may not succeed. It exists for fun - no jobs rely upon this save Sam's. 

I cannot expect my emotional reaction to change, the difficulty and awkwardness that I feel now. But, I can welcome that awkwardness as an old friend, that nervous energy and self-doubt. That tells me I am moving. It tells me of my virtue. 

It tells me that an iteration is success. And that old friend of doubt is here to be loved, with that physiological reaction to be experienced, and maybe a better place for that temperance to be. 

A life of discipline

I am no lackey but I appreciate discipline and sacrifice. My stomach is getting smaller and I am enjoying the company of Grace each day. She does not mind my size but she helps me to lose the fat. 

The health element of my habits is already in gear. Tomorrow I begin again in the gym, my time already booked and ready. 

Every day I: 

a) Books 25 minutes

b) Brains 25 minutes

c) Brawn 25 minutes

d) Bacon 25 minutes

+ 

e) Music

f) Sustain

This lifestyle I experience now is one that gives me confidence because it is one that I plan. Trying to consider the concept/stasis that someone is considering is to know them - to know their context. 

Three People Who Made Me Grateful

Yesterday three people made me grateful. 

1) The lack of rehearsal time, punctuality and negativity of the drummer made me grateful that I did not pin my hopes to her. That used to be desperate circumstance, a Ruth Alexander, a Sarah Ryan, or countless other women who made me yearn for something that was really in me. Without no guidance other than my gut, I made the right choice to reject her at huge personal experience. It was the right decision. 

2) David Wells is leaving Dubai. He needs to 'keep his wife happy'. This seems to involve going back to the UK to work. That seems tough. What I enjoy here, he cannot do. 

3) Peter is not only helping me out with my MA, but: 

a) Mentioned Jeremy Grigg taking him to the mountains without me feeling disproportionate rage.  
b) Made me realise that for all the benefits of his kids and wife, she makes him stay in Dubai. 

In each of these cases, I feel grateful that I am not trapped with someone who does not care for me. I am happy continuing with this lifestyle for now. It is a lifestyle that is purposeful and will see me control myself for a time. 

Feeling grateful for not choosing these women brightens my future because it allows me to exercise control and discipline. That discipline might allow me to control how I respond to others. 

I might respond with difficulty and awkwardness. One issue, for example, is the feeling of not wanting to smoke in cadets. That isolated me, but I kept my guns. 

That strength of character and adherence to purpose is something I have rarely experienced. Yes, I redouble my efforts to work harder, but rarely feel the confidence that should come with such sacrifice. 

Watching Cobra Kai, I see men who find talking to certain others difficult. I think that I can perhaps face off people I find difficult more often. 

To respond with consequence to people I usually avoid (rather than worrying about them) is a better ambition than just avoiding them and places. 

Just keep going as you are now. Read back this in months and realise how you slipped into this wondrous mode of being.

Walking for Fitness

Yesterday I walked for 20.5k steps, venturing to Makati and back. 

Today my body aches, but not impossibly. I feel strong and determined, able to resist some of the worst excesses of my xyz. 

The pomorodo life has changed me by giving me a better appreciation of time. I can suffer some of the briefs moments of study and work with grace. With guile I can begin tasks that make me suffer.  

I love. I speak. I live. 

I will complete the 'idea chart' or 'concept engagement' with a particular text. How do you put together the key concepts for a text? What is that text about? 

I am ready to read this morning. I will engage in some of the reference writing etc. We will see. 

Completing 3 pomodoros this morning is enough. That is an appreciable amount of work - why complete more? I have enough time. 

The Reality of Losing Weight

 Losing weight is about maintaining that calorie deficit. I am doing that but it is not easy. 

I ran yesterday. The front of my knees hurt today, far more than they have done before.  I should not test myself. Low impact exercise until they subside. 

I thought about an interesting job yesterday - director of curriculum. I would consider what the experience would be of the holistic BSM student. It would be invigorating.

In the past when I have been abused, I wondered how to respond. I challenged some of the worst of that behaviour although encouraged the rest. 

Now? There is a very specific role I want to play. I'm a human being, imperfect. There is a cynicism embraced by those who live in an exploitative place. I would never want them to work in my school or teach my kids. Maybe behind closed doors they are different. But their cynicism infects and undermines, and never builds. 

Part of my weight loss is losing the ill weight of those past choices. The control I am exercising over my body is my submission to rational self-interest. A life of mostly rational self-interest with bouts of 'freedom' sounds ideal to me. 

I am down to 73.9 and 37, down from 80.5 and 40. I still have a way to go. 11 stone 6. Dipping below 11 stone will be a good day. On that day I can say that my sins would have been expunged enough for me. They should not disappear entirely though, for those decisions need to be owned. But a better version of me will emerge unencumbered by that heavy and fat past. 

On Saying Goodbye to Dubai

I remember giving a leaving speech in Beijing. It was worth enough to remember now.  

I dreamt of Vizzard letting me say goodbye two days ago. He was fairly emotional. I had the chance to speak denied to me in real life. I remember Louise Ford forcing all the kids to say goodbye to Marie and a few others. There was no chance for a speech then. 

That dream was a chance to say goodbye in a way that trivialises what happened to me. That is a good thing.  

Being Positive and Grateful

Over the past few weeks Grace has felt especially emotional. The negativity that infects my spirit affects her too. 

Things do not need to be that way. My health is moving in the right direction. I have perhaps the best lifestyle of my career. 

My job is easy enough. Unlike in the past, I feel stronger and better and interesting in myself. I see friends when I want and enjoy a convenient and comfortable life. 

I spend my bacon marking some essays with a greater thematic/conceptual focus. Decent. 

Trivialising Past Annoyances

The human mind will wash up old memories of past hurts. These painful events will roll back from the waves of time, ready to be experienced again. 

Dubai contains many of these. I dealt with them in a reasonable way, short of attacking the people who perpetrated some of the worst. The worst memories are those where I was besmirched in front of colleagues. 

Sometimes I consider some petty revenge. I wonder what the consequences might be if I did? The only consequence worth considering is that such events could not long be trivialised. Being able to trivialise these events is to place them as things that happened, not things that defined. 

I connect this concept of 'being able to trivialise past events' with 'welcoming negative emotions like they are old friends'. When I feel the burn of these awkward memories, I can see them as things that just happened, indications of a toxic environment. 

My body is stronger than before. I am losing weight at an appreciable weight, 6kgs now. This is a gift to my 39 year old self. A year of fitness is the gift to my 40 year old self. 

The diet has not been hard; eating now is both enjoyable and easy. 

I think that burning between 300 and 500 calories every day through walking/jogging/cycling, and keeping to 1520 calories, is my simple approach to cutting. 

Let's see how my body can change. Will my sleep be fit? Will my mind is calm? 

Sleep; social; sensuality. 

My current lifestyle and mindset

 This is the present-me: 

1) Plays music every single day. 

2) Reads every single day. 

3) Moves every single day. 

4) Exercises x3/4 times a week. 

5) Socialises most days. 

6) Enjoys a meaningful job that is fairly easy. 

7) Works his brain every single day. 

8) Controls his diet intake to be healthy. 

9) Budgets well, achieving his economic freedom. 

10) Understanding his life in spaces of weeks and months rather than mere days. 

The future-me will be grateful for this. The past-me has a fat-debt and a mind-debt that we are working to pay off now. And that is fine because past-me had to survive Dubai. That guy suffered yet survived, and we are here to pay that debt. 

When I am down to 67kg (65 kg potentially?), I will reflect again on my lifestyle. That level of control and discipline will be beyond anything I have known for years. 

My good habits ruined by Wolverhampton?

 Last night I stayed up late watching Wolverhampton. Not again. Football is an entertainment industry, not a sport. Yes, it represents something of pride and pain in my past. But I gave 'football' a chance to prove itself worth of my sleep and attention. It failed miserably. 

I have purchased a fitness tracker. I intend to walk and to be. Each day I intend to have a heart rate above 140 (?), maybe with HiiT. I could purchase a bike. 

I will keep my calories down to their current levels. I will keep this going until February 2021. 

If I am to find an obsession, being fit and well is a worthy one. I can feel my confidence grow at this righteous prospect. 

I wrote in my running blog today. I have enough sleep stored up to survive yesterday's mishap. 

Rereading Writing for Kindness Makes Me Realise my Habits

Ten minutes reading my thoughts from months ago makes me realise the usefulness of my habits. 

I am far more the man I should be. 

Calmness + passion? Clarity + passion? 

Purpose + Passion + Calm.