The End of 2020 - Resolutions for 2021

 The end of this year 2020 is a better year because of my disciplined habits. 

This Christmas has by far been the most fruitful and relaxing of my life. I have enjoyed: 

a) Regular sleep, with only a few disruptions that I have managed with discipline. 

b) Ideal pomodoros most days, with an acknowledgement that negative days are those without any direction. 

c) Socialising most days with a range of people, friends and colleagues. 

d) Better fitness levels, with my weight hovering around 70.5kg. 

e) My MA literature review and introduction near enough finished before NYE without the usual weary illness I suffered the last years. 

Giving 6-8 pomodoros today to my MA will see me break the back of the methodology, I hope. Combined with an email to Kath RE: the extension, I might remove its pressure from my horizon, allowing me to focus on other worthy projects. 

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This year, continuing my greater connections with others is a firm ambition. 

I still have brains, books, brawn, bacon for a daily basis. However, these are my ambitions: 

a) Socialise most days, organising people into groups based on my personal enjoyment. 

b) Be mindful in my perception of time through the use of pomodoros. 

c) Keep fit with gentle gym work, perhaps dipping under 70kg and seeing how my weight stabilises at 1500 calories. 

d) Continue my reading habit to appreciate the perceptions of others outside my skull. 

e) Plan for ideal finances, considering what lifestyle to enjoy when I am older. Track my money realistically. 

f) Formalise my relationship with Grace, considering what lifestyle is realistic, looking after both our interests. 

g) Develop my EQ, considering putting my family demons to rest? Or at least, moving from failure to failure with some my enthusiasm still intact. 

I want to move in 2021 having consolidated these habits for another year. I will have grown into my new role. 

December 30th 2020 - What paths to take? And radical self-love

Yesterday was a hard day. Not leaving the house, I struggled to complete any pomodoros and my mind frittered through pages of the internet. Today I woke up with a challenged heart. 

I wonder what is my purpose. 

I remember as a young child finding so many of my peers flat and colourless. I remember a party of a boy called Jamie. Sitting at a table with an adult, I thought about getting up to approach someone, but then I stopped myself. I did not attempt to connect with others, or play by rules, or to be accepted. 

I am not so much different now. 

The way I was treated in Dubai was abysmal. 

The way I have been treated in Manila is better. 

The movement of my body in the world is not easy. 

Speaking to Omar two days ago shocked me into deeper thoughts about purpose. I have let slide my ambitions about teaching over the past years. 

The position I have now befits my mind. 

Zoe - friendly? Replies? PhD? What in? 

Let me be honest that my approach to leadership in both Beijing and Dubai was strained. I found Gary a difficult man as I found Louise and Marie challenging. As leaders they lacked, but at least they enjoyed a clear vision of what they wanted to do and to be. Louise wanted to be what her father wanted - a 'strong' leader with a corporate vision. Her management of staff and the streamlining of her curriculum was definitely 'strong', at the expense of a responsive and human element. The experience of her management was boring and uninspiring, although often intimidating. 

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These people could be quite different and I would still find myself in the same position I find myself now. 

What is my vision of education? How might I 'learn' myself? How might I 'lead' myself? 

I need discipline. 

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Do I love and accept myself? 

For some reason there are loud and negative voices in my mind and heart too often. 

But... I have attempted to write. And now I will gym...

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Gym, moving, books - that time of clarity makes me calm. 

As always, completing a number of pomodoros is what matters today. But what might happen? 

I might sit resentfully, unable to complete my tasks with any clarity. I might become more confused. I might become disheartened. 

Like Wolves losing today, I might feel the fight was pointless. 

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Talking to a friend made everything much better. 

I love myself when I am like that. 

 

A dream of Hull and aspiration

Last night I dreamt of Hull. I woke up slightly later in the morning by an hour, having REM'd the night away. An evocative dream, the likes of which I rarely have during work time, melted away upon waking. Yet its shadowy outlines remained with me, stirring feelings of inadequacy and ambition in my cavernous soul. I must write these feelings down. 

I was walking through the grounds of a now great school in Hull. Students with aspirational behaviour and slick blazers bustled around us politely as I walked the grounds of the bright and airy school with some faceless others. The open space was fresh and clean and, unlike my soiled experiences of university, I felt I was in a place of distinguished ambition. 

I was visiting for some reason, a guest to some yet also unknown. 

I first remember attending an assembly to listen to smart comments, impressed at students confident to face and address their peers. Unlike the turgid assemblies in DESC, these aspirational values shone through their words like ancient stones, their proclamations of ambition promising grand stories of old. Despite a policeman desperately running after the departed headteacher near the end, the atmosphere was cheerful. I was struck by the rockstar timbre of the headteacher as he cheered out demands for us to be better. It was how I wanted Hull to be. 

As I walked through the playground, I passed a game of football. I lofted the pass of a ball during a student game of football. The ball hit a child waywardly. A boy swore at me. I eyeballed him. The tensions of the UK remained within me as the student remained wary of further challenge, and my confidence in my game was shaky. Either way, there was no inherent respect. 

My presence in the school, presumably invited, was to celebrate the running of a 400m that would turn into an eventual cross country. Even though I am unfit now and would finish last in a 400m race against fit children, I decided to run 80%, confident I might win with a final sprint. As usual, my 400m past supports me now. Weirdly, the race continued across a bizarre dreamscape, akin to the Amiga's theme park mystery with Daliesque structures. I managed to finish the run, but I was dislocated from the school day. 

As I returned to the school, I joined the brisk stride of Louise Ford and Sophia Barakat as they bumbled over plenaries. I struggle in the moment to 'see through' Louise Ford because she is a formidable manager. I remember her telling me of how much she was 'eaten alive' by students in Essex, and she 'learnt to not trust them'. This is the kind of school that Louise Ford wants to run. It is a place where Louise runs entirely on logistical lines, with hyperorganised systems that are absolutely clear but loose in their values. 

This is also the kind of school that I want to avoid. Despite its promise, its issues are crushing, with aspiration and dreams and intellectual stimulation thin on the ground. It is entirely unresponsive. 

There remained in my dream the tensions of 'wanting to work for this school'. The reality of living in the UK vs here now is chalk and cheese - I would lose tens of thousands of pounds for a harder job. My relationship with Grace would be unduly difficult without a cosmopolitan community. 

What I thought the school should be is not what the school would actually be.  

I spent 45 minutes writing this morning because this is something to read for later. Realise that your mind is warning you against returning to the UK state system, either in person or in practice. 

This is the best Christmas I have experienced. I have achieved a lot without getting ill. I am ready to pomodoro more and to be healthier still. I am ready to write and to organise my mind, while retaining health. 

That careful balance of health and aspiration and more is not something I will achieve by default. It will require careful and delicate practice. 

A healthy Christmas Holiday

Like many healthy days, I have woken up reasonably early, 8:45pm. It is 9:06am now. I have another 12 minute of bacon. 

Completing the spine of my MA today feels a suitable mission. 

Most Xmas holidays, if not all of them, see me feeling terrible, lacking health and good sleep. 

Sleep is still not great. But I am sleeping for a little longer each week (and under 8 hours). 

I managed to complete the spine of my literature review. Feel proud!

Two days of Christmas Pomodoros

Sunday: 

For decades the Xmas holidays left me exhausted to the point of illness. This year can be different.  

Over the past 24 hours I have enjoyed some imagination through games and reading. However, my time on pomodoros has been far less. The result is that I feel tired and unhappy. The pomodoros are not optional. 

Each day I should spend time on something I should do but do not want.  A pomodoro is ten minutes more than I can comfortably spend on something I do not want to. 15 + 10 minutes. That extra ten minutes is the power of discipline. 

Spending my time each day on 'only what I want' is a peculiar thing. It feels unbalanced and unpleasant and does not fit my disposition. 

Brains: this is slightly underchallenged over the past few days. This can be changed in a day or so. 

Books: this is actually better BUT I am reading unchallenging stuff. There is no voice, just an ease of thinking because of simple rhythms. 

Brawn: I am still moving most days, but not as much as I feel I should. 

Bacon: Today I tackled bacon as good as I feel I should. 

It is 8:31am. I woke at 7:00am, played chess and...  

Monday: 

I woke up similarly at 6:40am, ready for the day and a few pomodoros. My sleep has been much better over the past few days. 

The way I sleep depends on my day before. I have slept tremendously well over the past few days. Long may that continue. 

Read the worry you felt this time last year

Stress I will likely feel anyway

Purpose beyond that given in this moment

School as an arena I have often succeeded

Read the stress that you felt this time last year. You have always sensed the angst of being alive. 

The spirit that resides within you is not yours. There is a greater purpose to what you teach and how you teach than you might believe. A world of 'no stress' is no world of freedom at all. 

You have enjoyed an excellent run of time so far. Continue with these pomodoros, rhythms and habits. 

Imagination is my strength

I find myself in the last days of this term, the longest in the year, ready for rest. Unlike times in my past, I enjoy space and kindness, both for myself and for others. In that space I want to feel my imagination, to flourish in a better world than this material one with its baseness and lies. Is imagination a noble lie? What is my imagination?

My guitar playing is a semi-practiced element of my imagination. Performing live, writing poetry, getting the girl: the Byronesque figure I attempt to be at times is a celebration of imagination. But is that figure conducive to my new role? 

I need to lead procedural teachers in an institution. I need to be organised. But organising the collective imagination of my school is where my strength might lie.

In my conversations yesterday with Brian, we spoke about what it was to have a 'happy' life. We both agreed that to approach each day with healthy habits builds useful determination. That determination is making me happier than ever, with my lifestyle healthier and more interesting than ever before. 

My habits also mean I write and read better than before. To read during the day is to prioritise that imaginative life which I might be too busy for. Simply reading in the evening is not an option for every day for my reading should not be relegated to an afterthought. A nourished imagination deserves a prime role in my life because my reading acts as meditation. 

A nourished imagination operates a form of consciousness. If I wake up feeling unhealthy then my mindset becomes unhealthy too. If I drink too much, I again become unhealthy. If I do not sleep enough, I become unhealthy. 

To be the in world is to risk ill health at times - we are all slowly dying. All I can ask for is some moderation of health and effort. In the time I have, be well, or at least be smart about being well. My consciousness depends on being well. 

Others depend on me being well too. Their agenda might also be my agenda, or not. I feel the pressure of a PD day planning. I feel the pressure of what could be. But I also feel that my imagination could consider what could be. 

I have suffered somewhat under my experiences after university. Confidence comes from experience, so do these things that will benefit you later. 

Maybe I can revisit the times where I was lost? For what purpose? Maybe I can complete my pomodoros... 

My actual weight - health and power

I have worked well these past three weeks, proud of my achievements. Issues remain as they likely will forever, but my habits continue to benefit me. 

My weight has been incorrectly measured it seemed - I thought I hit 67.7. In fact I am still above 70. However, my waist has shrunk to 34 to 35. 

My first reaction was to test my weight with several scales. They all read 70+. 

My next reaction was perhaps to somewhat undereat. Post-5k, I then became quite ill and fatigued yesterday. Today I feel much better having eaten 1500 calories and rested better. 

My next reaction was to ensure I tracked my real weight (my new weight!). After a day's respite, I am back with my discipline. 

Achieved 66 kg (albeit 66.9!)

After almost 100 days of careful management of my body, I dipped below 77 kg. I still need to reach an ideal weight, but what a great journey from where I have come. 

The sins of my past life will never be washed away entirely. Nor should I want them to be. But I am in a better position than ever before. 

I am fit. 

I have an easy and smart partner. 

I have a position to which I can direct the intensity of my thoughts. 

There does not appear to be much than can affect this path.