Appreciating Myself

What am I seeking? 

Is my quest an appreciation for myself? What would that look like?  

Am I to feel 'great' about myself? Should I see myself as distinctive? 

Am I to rely on others for my esteem and my idea of myself? 

The thing about being distinctive is that it may not always be 'moral'. 

How can I be both moral and distinctive? 

How else can I understand my actions, beyond moral/immoral? 

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Why should I appreciate myself? What if I was not 'successful' by the various expectations of my societies? 

One of my colleagues is extraordinary in how little he contributes. Today he request to 'only' moderate four pieces of work per colleague, so that is twelve pieces of work in total to moderate a year group. How should I feel about that? 

When I close my eyes at night, what should I expect to see? 

Slow down your mind and feel your heart. This frantic energy you have felt for half a life need not control you. Feel the breath and how you need to at least pause every ten syllables of patter. 

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I do not suffer that impossible tiredness that the overworked might feel. Today is an exercise in slowing down. I will read in a voice that slows down. 

Distinctiveness and Truth

Who knows how to 'feel better'? Better than now? Better than before? Better forever? 

I watched Rocketman today. A powerful scene saw the adult hug the child. 

What am I looking for? Someone to play with? Someone to love me? 

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I find that comparison triggers me. It is not what I found nourishing as a student. I instead want to seek distinctiveness. 

Today I embarked on a project to rank my colleagues past and present. It is interesting. 

The worst colleague is consistently bad, unpleasant and ineffective, with little deviation across her categories. They are somewhat of a self-starter, but just is destructive for a team. 

The bottom four colleagues are righteous, ineffective in skill and unpleasant as well. 

Two colleagues in the bottom six are there because of personality issues, not necessarily because of their ineptitude at work, or their dedication to the profession. 

The top colleagues are interesting people, effective at their jobs and pleasant universally. 

Interestingly, the dynamic of my current place is the best I've experienced, or at least the easiest. No-one is in my top 10, but no-one is low. 

Even with some edits, I can see that these people are simply quite distant. They are not actively unpleasant. 

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I think to 'not care' what others think is to actively annoy others at times. Am I really willing to do this? Did I do this before? 

Can I 'not care' what others think? What does that even mean? 

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If I meet someone in the street, do I have to speak to them? Feel judged by them as I judge them? 

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The 'issue' with the ranking is that it does not capture the distinctiveness of each person...

Pausing. Space. Silence. Response.

I have felt unwell over the past few weeks. 

I have responded quickly to things at work etc. 

I do normally scheduled emails so that I slow my responsiveness. 

Being quieter, thinking before speaking: that is something I feel I can do. 

My energy at the moment is fragmented, frantic. It has been the case for a lifetime. Can that be changed? Is it too much part of my identity? 

What are some negative possibilities for my identity that I might be able to embrace? 

1) Jobsworth. Selfish at work. Machiavellian. 

2) Colleague = belligerent; self-interested; ... 

3) Partner: Lazy; wanton; stubborn. 

Each of these has its relevant word along this spectrum that is more acceptable. The Golden Mean is the middle point of each of these. 

1) Attitude towards work: Jobsworth = Professional. Selfish at work = Prioritising promotion. Machiavellian = Socially Aware. 

2) Colleague: belligerent = determined; self-interested = nurturing; 

3) Partner: Lazy = comfortable; wanton = passionate; stubborn = principled.

Can I 'embrace' some of these elements to not be so defensive? 

A 'It's Your Fault' Dream

I remember a distinct moment from a dream last night. 

I sat at a bar, or rather stood in front of some chairs in a bar. Groups of people were talking tiredly at the end of a long week. Into this bustle strode Louise Ford and Rachael Edgar. One lambasted me, saying that some investments I had made would affect the school negatively for years to come. I stood up to question them. They had already retreated to another part of 

I remember a few moments of abuse in that place, so silly and inconsequential that they were part of the deal for the money I earned. 

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Today I enjoy flashes of what I might be like when I am 55. Imagination. Travelling. Children/Marriage? Perhaps. 

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I feel better with what might happen. More space. 

What imagination do I experience behind my eyes?

Since the term has I started I have enjoyed some efficient work and some better imagination. 

To be honest, during Easter I left too much time unfulfilled. Google filled it for me. As enjoyable as it was, it left me unsatisfied. 

Each day I plan something for tomorrow means a night I sleep early. I am not sleeping as deeply each day I have work, something I did not realise before. 

Accepting choices I made before seems a natural step. I did not make a child. I did not ruin someone's career. My sins are really not magnificent, and certainly not lasting. 

I am fortunate that I am floating into something freer, a place where I can experience imagination. 

That poem, Utter... that I would rather see Hell than nothing... is that not what I feel now? Can I step outside my head and experience pure essence once more? Will that affect my work? 

Each day I accept my past makes me stronger for the now.

More imagination today please.   

A New School Term and Emotional Allocation

Last night I slept for 8 hours, waking up once. Interestingly, my deep sleep and REM sleep was tracked as 20%, whereas in the holiday it is 30-40%. Is my sleep less restful when I know I have something to do? 

Things arose yesterday for work that I know will annoy me. Yet I was able, somehow, to switch my emotional attention onto something else, be it my painting or Grace or whatever we were watching. I read yesterday, well, and feel grateful for that meditation. I closed my eyes for sleep and found myself better able to 'sit within' the visions of my imagination. 

My 'reallocation of emotion' is a distinct ambition. I think this will be achieved through a few things: 

a) Regular socialisation each day, including some exercise where possible. 

b) Reserving intimacy for Grace. That has been one day, but I feel that a few days of doing so will give me energy. 

c) Realise that I likely love my partner. She is kind and smart and is grounded in her emotions. I am fortunate to be with her, and to be building a relationship with her. 

I just read a few paragraphs of the inspection report of a school I used to work in. I wish I worked in that school! It is nonsensical. It is interesting if I will consider that report again. Likely not. 

I am not yet tired. I want that to remain the case. 

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Stress is the potential to lose a livelihood. A few badly marked essays or similar should be considered. 

Terrible health is stress. 

Embrace the emotional potential of those stresses... 

Feeling Furious?

Last night I struggled to sleep, although I woke up at 6:45am still. 

I felt furious at various times last night. Without siphoning my energies, my powers turned to anger behind my eyes. 

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Brian asked if I wanted to lead on the Duffy. I will not reply because I am annoyed that we did not discuss this sooner. 

I will say something like this. 

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I do not want school to be my emotional focus. 

Teacher Seeking...?

Today I feel happier because I will start work in a few days. A weekend just outside the rush of work feels warmer than the one too separate. 

My emotions this week have been tricky. I remember the ugly brutish marauder who tried to smash his way into my house. I remember the dusty room, a bedroom unkept and unkempt, a single electric bulb swinging, and dust swarming across the skirting boards. What is this place? A recess of my mind? 

I have managed to live my habits better than before. 

There is a consequence if I grant my intimacy too freely. It is not really mine to give. I have had my fun, played guitar and drank beer, and lived a rock-and-roll life to the extent I think I wanted. Now? The routine and habits of the stoic speak to me, to become the mystic, the man with imagination with the negative capacity to empathise and be with different people. 

Going to sleep without knowing what I will do the next day is surprisingly debilitating. 

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Sometimes I feel that an hour, or even two, is not enough to enjoy a single pomodoro of time. I cannot play a game or paint or enjoy a hobby (or even a conversation!) for a pomodoro...

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Sometimes he feels an hour, or even two, is not enough for a pomodoro of time to be enjoyed. What hobby of painting or gaming,(or even conversing?) is enough in that time? 

A pomodoro each day builds a house of ideas. He has had only two weeks of holiday, and in that time he  has completed Pillars 2, played music every day, improved his painting, secured the survey along with two interviews, and drank to excess twice (or perhaps once). 

The leadership role was overwhelming perhaps because it was a lifestyle he does not value. And he now has some space... 

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Is he happy with his pomodoros at the moment? What works inside holidays might not work outside holidays... 

Reading for a pomodoro, shower and other things have worked happily for him. It seems that having events with others to organise time makes the day happier for him. 

He is trying to fix his surface pro... and a reset seems to have cooled things down. That is ideal. 

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I feel happier with some social commitments, or an event, in my day. It means that I do not wake up wondering what to do with my day. 

Teaching to an extent is that commitment... 

Grateful for?

 I am grateful for: 

a) A reasonable sense of health with no dramatic diseases.  I am maintaining a reasonable weight without much difficulty. 

b) A financial plan to save money to give me some great financial independence when I am 54. 

c) No debt. At all. 

d) An educated brain with the capacity to educate me even more. 

e) A kind partner who is well-read and likely to care for me for a while yet. She seems to be flexible in lifestyle, too. 

Things I am concerned about: 

f) I am uncertain about my future lifestyle (or, really, my current lifestyle!). I am uncertain about my hobbies and what I do each day. 

g) How to engage my imagination and read. I flick from thing to thing. 

h) How to engage my vitality, something I have struggled with and is perhaps leaking into other elements of my life. 

What I am doing: 

Working hard at keeping my functional habits each day. Last night I slept for 7 hours and 30 minutes. Interestingly, my REM was shorter. 

Mehness

Passion is an easy word but can feel horrendous, a series of pikes slashing my sternum, a war for my heart. 

I 'have not been able to relax' this holiday. Do I want to relax? 

When I struggle to focus is when I feel the worry... 

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I have invested a lot into my job, and to tell the truth is tricky: 

a) I have overinvested in my job. 

b) I have spread my heart too thinly. 

c) I struggle to regulate my emotions when feeling annoyed at others and myself, but at least I feel something. 

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Habits of the moment... that is what I want. I need to have some time each day to meditate... whether that is reading or something else. I still have 9 minutes left of this pomodoro. 

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I feel that completing my to-do list will create some good hobbies each day. 

My music today was disheartening... the electric guitar just does not sound good. The fret buzz and the general sound is weak. My playing is not great, but the whole set-up does not sound good either. I find Metallica boring. I find playing by myself boring, too. 

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Back to Pomodoros and Focus

Today feels better because time is not slipping into the mass of the sea. Making the day and its ambitions finite seems to funnel more energy into my day, powering my engine with more purpose. 

I am 71kg, up from 68kg. I have maintained a reasonable weight. It is time to get back again to regulating my weight. 

How am I to rule over myself? Am I sovereign?  Can I shape my time, my body, and my will? 

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I feel strong emotions about work. It is good to feel strong emotions if they do not overwhelm me. 

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Two things: 

1) Remember what it once meant to be willful. 

2) What am I annoyed about? What perspective do I wish was more influential or expected or accepted? 

I am looking at Sharon Osborne and her assertions that she is not racist. It is a tenuous assertion from a TV face who made money exploiting her family. But her opinion is clearly made, and expressed with minimal words. There should be something of an expression of opinion, made with minimal words. It can influence regardless of its veracity. 

Can I be more willful? Can I be willful over myself if nothing else? 

What am I annoyed about at the moment? 

i) I have been invested in work. I want to talk about ways of doing things. I want to talk about the values of how we do things. I find the conversation about the craft interesting and worthwhile. But in my current context, I receive little feedback. Others seem remarkably unresponsive. 

In the face of that, what should I want to do? I want to converge with my colleagues, regardless of that challenge to my passions. 

ii) I am still somewhat annoyed by my suggestibility; I want to continue to be 'on the good side' of my colleagues, and so will not challenge them. 

iii) I am annoyed by my inability to imagine. 

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This is a strange holiday, and one in which routine is needed... 

Saturday and I wonder how to explore my imagination

Some concepts: 

Four three days, each night before sleep I experience horror movies

I completed Pillars 2 yesterday, experiencing the imagination of the anti-God rhetoric 

I am waking up later and later each day, but still I wake up earlier than I do in a usual holiday

I am making good progress in my MA

I wonder what is happening when I close my eyes after my home invasion dream five nights ago? 

Horror movies suggest there are terrifying spirits waiting out there, whose essence has been manifested into harmful shapes and beings. 

Other films suggest that there are sentient beings that want to trap me on my imaginative travels. They are not essence manifested but rather sentient beings themselves. 

What do I believe? I sense that essence is manifested 'matter'. I am made up of this. My imagination has the ability to form this into particular shapes and beings as it desires. 

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When I close my eyes, overwhelming and unsettling images manifest. What should I do? Stay with them? 

There is the destruction of something vibrant and alive, of a rat exploding the earth. Then there is the morbidity of the flayed king's realm. 

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I move firmly into the final week of the holiday. Speaking with two friends from Dubai, I feel grateful to live in a calmer and more caring place, where people are invested in being good and caring. Gripping rhetorical weapons my old colleagues would circle each other in a bloody arena, their carefully manicured feet dug into gore-clogged sand. 

Closing my eyes over the past two weeks has been tricky. Before I saw myself stepping into my halls of thought and opening the doors. I do not enjoy exploring my imagination as much as I did even recently. Too much frantic distraction diminishing my stamina bar until I am good for only watching more videos.

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My finances are in a good position. 

My finances are working hard for me, planting seeds in long furrows that stretch for decades. The gentle bushes of wealth push slowly through the dirt, taking time to firm up, only blooming fruit when I am older. 

I do not have a property yet. That does feel annoying, but it is also the painted reality of the halls I live. A property involves money and maintenance. 

I have few ties, something that can be both a strength (with some flexibility of where I might live) and a weakness (losing the massive interest rate rises). 

I might be in a good position when I am 55 if I can continue as I go. Just a month though feels a dramatic challenge, with loneliness suffered and imaginative toughness needed.

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