I have six weeks of holidays now.
My habits are clear:
Books, beat, brawn, brains = being.
Connecting with people each day seems useful, stopping me from sleeping too late or drinking too much.
Getting my heart beating also seems ideal on a daily basis.
Day 1 = I have done this.
Today sees me 'teach' one lesson. The demands on me have fallen away over these years in Manila, with only my expectations leading me.
I am stepping into six weeks of the holiday soon.
a) I seem to be the 'best friend' of many people. There is something about the way I speak, and the kind of people I connect with, that makes them appreciate my powers and our intimacy.
I read this morning on Twitter of the bullying of a teacher, the UK state system providing little protection for a vulnerable woman, and the marking expectations hoisted upon her being especially arduous.
I do not expect too much of colleagues in a classroom. Being kind and easy to work with is my bar. In turn, my expectations are lowered as well.
A moderate life awaits me. Moving, beat, reading, social... I do not have harbour the strong feelings I do about finishing a term as I once did.
These past weeks I have struggled to be with my imagination. I have flicked through games and videos plenty.
I am in a better position now than two weeks ago.
I still need to be 'doing' beat, books, brawn, brain, and being. I think if I do all these, then I find myself with the day ahead.
I have been missing 'books' a fair amount. That is a mindfulness I should not ignore.
Remember reading books in Canada, of the intensity of that summer
Remember reading books for your degree, of reading last minute, and struggling.
Remember reading books in shisha cafes, beyond a voice.
Now remember the reading with pomodoros, of running through anthologies last year.
Now remember the reading of the first time you heard a reading voice again.
______
Hi Dad,
Just a quick email.
1) What I deserve.
I deserved a father who took more of an interest in his son.
I deserved a father who wanted to take some therapy so he could deal with his issues.
I deserved a father who would have let me look after him when he got older.
I deserved a father who would have tried to make the family better, to build for the next generation.
2) I felt... when...
I felt furious when I heard of how you were spending your money in Thailand.
I felt sadness when you
3) Like I said before, it could be that we don't see each other again before you. If that sad case comes to pass, would you like me to attend your funeral? Is there anything you'd like me to say? It feels like you have resigned yourself to dying already.
Today I will shower in a nice and clean place, sitting in on one lesson and drinking before drinking with an interesting friend later.
This life could be remarkably different. I could be living with different people in different ways.
I no longer feel great anger about many things.
I do think I could potentially tackle the feelings I have about my father. Something like:
When you... I felt... because...
Then... you will die soon. You've chosen to die already by... but you might find some peace.
I do not know you...
Maybe there is a poem I should write?
Then beat and brawn... these are two things I should enjoy. Feel the rhythm of just being. Walking and music, rhythm and experience.
I am in transition.
A summer holiday will soon be on me in two weeks. My interests and focus have changed, and pleasingly so.
I need:
a) Brains - some kind of intellectual thought
b) Brawn - physical activity, with breathing
c) Books - reading fiction and experiencing the perceptions of others
d) Beat - Feeling a sense of rhythm in others and myself
When I was younger, perhaps primary school age, I was more determined to espouse what I believed. I found my peers mostly dry and ineffectual, wondering how and why they wanted to just be. Where there was a socially significant boy, I would challenge him.
At university I very soon found my way into a greater confidence, enjoying my years and socialising well.
At work my confidence dropped. Lynn Stanbridge's crazy timetable, and the overall degredation of David Lister... my vision of myself was challenged by people around me.
My life could have been remarkably different if:
i) I had a family that gave me social capital.
ii) I had lived in London or a place with creative potential.
iii) I had found a partner earlier who allowed me to direct my energies usefully.
As it is, I near 40 years old with a nice partner and an easier job than before. I have a chance to sit with my voice.
To sit with myself is to hear my voice. To sit with myself is not easy.
There are monsters I need to meet.
Brains
Brawn
Beat
Bacon
Being
Let me get this down.
___________
Spending more time in silence is to:
a) Listen to my rhythm.
b) Listen to the voices of others, and what happens to my body when I hear their voice.
c) To hear again the context of others.
Capitalism harnesses our self-interest into something we hope makes for a better society. The pooling of wealth in the hands of the few damages society though, fermenting a possible rebellion against social order, and benefitting few.
I am suspicious of success. I am interested more in mediocrity.
When I was younger, I read into promotions the con of the modern working class. I felt that to get a conventional career or network was beyond me, and not something I sought. To desire improvement at all times feels... wrong.
I am fortunate that my partner now is flexible enough to travel abroad. What the future holds is mirky.
In me is a child who wishes to scream in fear and anger at the psychic stress of the world he sees. He is derided because he is awkward and unhelpful. Should I feel compassion for him?
Do I have a choice? He is me.
Compassion for vulnerability is not a choice.
I see the animalistic elements of my brain as helping me. But I should also see it as a child who cannot cope. It is up to the remorseless adult to step in.
The remorseless adult should be seen as sociopathic or psychotic by different measures of being. He steps into scenarios with calm assurance, and tells the child that his feelings are righteous, and that he does not need to rise up any more, at least not with the same intensity as he wants.
The Everchild does not recognise the peculiar stresses of the adult world, and instead delights in the weirdness of human interaction. How will the Everchild and the adult talk?
I have thought a lot about the texts I will teach next year, and specifically whether I will begin with The History Boys.
Like many things, doing things in one way round this year is important. Part of my stress, I think, is the intensity with which I explore an option, which then means I struggle to change it.
I will deliver The History Boys and will ask the kids if they critique it later. It is one book for three weeks... 12 lessons maximum. My worries are real, but I can run through this once to then see what happens next.
Understanding the text is...
It has been a long time since I wrote a scheme of work properly...
I need to clear some of my time I think. I am remarkably busy at the moment.
I think making my calendar soon is useful.
Taking on marking, and doing an iteration of this curriculum, is my ambition next year. Simple.
I think that the investment I give to certain things makes them hard to change, but perhaps for a good reason. Relationships, work - we need a certain connection.
Own our choices and do not live in bad faith, Sartre says.
Find little videos... stimulate! Be better.
I have been working hard at things, clearing my schedule for the weeks ahead - but in doing so I might be focusing away from myself, whatever that means.
Planning by myself reminds me of my indecisive nature.
For next year I have the privilege of leading a literature curriculum. Quite how lessons should be... I think lessons on context, plot, then on distinctive themes whilst moving through the text...
The balance for me is on how to move through the text whilst addressing theme... How to make it appealing? How to balance critical opinion with personal aesthetic response?
I think what will make me happy in my work is knowing more clearly what essays score highly.
Signing up to marking for iGCSE and IB literature will make me happy. Being firm about clarity and cogency will make me happy.
I am looking to source a number of essays now, but it is proving tricky. An introduction and one paragraph is what I want...
I struggled with writing my own essays. Even now I struggle with how students might write and respond with cogency and clarity. My energy and cerebral focus are not helping. The frantic intensity with which I work has helped me in the past, but I need to change for the sakes of better health.
Literary essays are not about clarity. The who/what/how structure of IB literature is apparent in the exemplars.
Being clearer about this might help.
Responses to ideas are also useful.
Knowing the texts myself helps ;-)
Paper 1 Unseen Response =
What is happening in the extract?
Details and Examples
How is it happening?
Techniques or process-concepts, evidence previews
Why is it is happening? For what purpose?
Introducing a concept...?
Today I have an 'easy day', the likes of which seemed so distance when I was in David Lister.
Today my timetable is clear with one easy lesson awaiting me. I have few demands because I finished so much in advance.
Aside from IB induction planning, I have no real demands on my time. My job is the easiest I have wanted it to be.
Imagine if I was in India or Japan right now? What emphasis on work over all else would I have?
I felt my happiest when I was living a 'balanced' life, each day giving some pomodoros to things I either enjoyed or enriched me. Was this an indulgent life? Is the default life one of scraping and striving? Is it one of idle rest?
All that can be said to exist is in this moment. This moment can change, and become unduly comfortable with demands of work or sustenance.
To avoid, or even just manage, the stress of work, I overinvest. Rather than work for a pomodoro and move on, I just sat and worked interminably. I just marked until my marking was complete. And now? I have space.
I think I will walk for now.
As I walked self-doubt washed over me. That self-doubt serves a purpose, helping me to change my mind and become less intractable.
I have three choices of the starting text for literature:
a) The History Boys
b) Streetcar
c) Another
I want to consider the context of these pieces, and what might inspire... it has been a long time since I have planned...
