Culture determines what we don't notice

Culture = the people gathered around us, and the scripts designed to make sense. 

Making sense has always been more important than making truth. Truth has an agreed authority, but truth has a social function, the prime of which is to make sense.  

Life is finite: my energies are finite, my perspective is finite, my time on this earth is finite. 

I exist in three dimensions, with limitations and reductions placed all the way. I will be dust at some point.  

There is no valley where I seek to walk the middle line. Rather I see only a slope, a rececss, or a plateau: a field, a forest or a fence. Maybe in a spiritual sense I see the valley, but it is never a visual one. 

_____________________

Perhaps the time has come once again to for certainty. For leverage. Maybe the time has come again to impose my will upon the world around me, albeit in a way I determine as ideal. But for why? 

I lack a 'why'. I lack a 'who do I want to be'. I find these questions banal, and unfulfilling. But they are limiting, and they might be able to be... 

Often the the answer is 'not what I am at the moment'. 

_____________________

Each day, have I managed to live 'inner+outer+conduit'? 

Have I managed to sleep better? Have I managed to move and be? Have I managed to improve my mind? 

 ____________________

Apparently I 'saved' 61k last year. I suspect those are COVID returns. That's about 5k a month though. Even without housing, that is a good year of saving money, especially considering... 

How on earth did I save that much money? That's even with miniatures and hoover and VR kit. 

What kind of life might I want to lead? 

There is something about books and reading and imagination that is free. However, time is finite. Being poor takes a huge time, and huge emotional energy. The space to read and imagine is sorely lacking, instead taken up by the need to survive.

_________________

Perhaps I can have some kind of tracking of each of my three... and have an ambition for each? 

  

Goals

'Goals' is a term for something that could be special. 

Maybe what are some of my 'reverse goals'? The goals that I might have achieved by now? 

To have avoided being in a successful band. 
To have avoided starting a family
To have avoided a position of high responsibility. 
To have maintained a weight that is slightly over average. 
To have experienced a smoking and drinking habit. 
To wake up most mornings feeling tired and bloated from whatever habits continue in this realm. 

_________________

The first day of the holiday is almost upon me. I sit here on a chair in the familiar position, an emotional vacuum having opened up. 

In my bedroom I wrote: books, brawn, bacon: 

1) Books = to meditate each day on something I should do but for some reason don't - of the inner life. 

2) Brawn = to seek better diet, sleep, exercise - anything of the body. 

3) Bacon = finances, position, status, social capital - anything of me hustling in this world. 

So I find myself in this situation of ignoring the innerlife, outerlife, and the body that acts as the conduit between the two. I lack momentum in my habits somewhat, but... I can consider what I do in each, and perhaps rebrand each

1) Books = Imagination, meditation, inner-nourishment: 

2) Body = Conduit: doesn't capture the essential element of the body, of its framework for the rest of me. Food 

3) Bacon = Hustle, social, interaction, sidegig, writing, blog. The terms don't capture what I aim to do.   

I want to reframe these terms. 

 _________

I find myself with the chance to reframe these terms. It does not really matter what I do, more that I: 

a) Seek to connect with the framing of others, at least occasionally. 

b) Seek to nourish the innerlife, outerlife, and the conduit between, my body. 

Without this triumvite... 

a) Innerlife = spirit, essence, my connection to the great beyond, spiritual experience, imagination, experiencing, the darkside of things: games, books, meditate etc. 

b) Outerlife = Bacon, Social, Job, Family, Other People, Music 

c) Body = The conduit between the two... 

______________

For too long I have lived without conscious nourishment of these three things... Just 'A Richer Me' and 'For Better Others'. It is time to change that. 

Innerlife = Experience

Outerlife = Engage 

Body = Exist/Manifest/Breathe/Lungs

This seems to work for me, although... I wonder if I can distinguish between job + otherwise? 

Overgiving?

A realisation has seeped into my guts today: I am great. 

As a human, I enjoy innate value from being alive. 

Being great + overgiving. 

My approach to education is distinctive. It is punk, powerful and smart. It is ambitious and aspirational. It also overreaches and overinvests. 

My approach and talents are underappreciated: I was promoted to SLT, yet stepped away from that position. 

I found the sidegigs to be... 

To what extent can I be the arbiter of my own worth once more? 

Colleagues: purposefully mediocre, but successful in their sidegigs. Financially successful. 

__________________

My family are limited in their ability to look after me.   

It is time to look after the child in me, in the absence of a child myself. 

__________________

What might happen if I step away from overgiving? That starts now by being with myself.