Emotional Energy?

A distinct difficulty of the post-modern era is the suffering of emotional truth.

My privilege looks after me financially and occupationally, with a relatively nourishing and healthy lifestyle of work and play enjoyed. 

However, my emotionally life is trickier, often undernourished, with passionate truth trickier yet.

As much as I find BTA distasteful, his philosophy about emotional truths seem to offer agency. 

I have little in the way of emotional space at the moment, and even less in the way of emotional nourishment. 

Rather than 'aiming to do more', I should perhaps aim to nourish all elements of this life as I once did... or did I?     

Rather than see my aims as a continual 'progress' that 'gets better'... 

Every damn book on emotional intelligence speaks about monetising it. That in itself speaks against how the West considers 'emotional intelligence, or how we interpret our body's daily workings. 

I took an MA, worked hard etc. I found a blockage with the next job up which overwhelmed me emotionally. What to do? Sitting, writing, thinking does not seem likely to do enough. 

What reflections have I enjoyed? 

Less is More

 Occasionally those I dislike actually enjoy a lifestyle I desire. 

Without doubt my focus is unduly scattered. For three weeks I prioritised 'inner' at the expense of 'body strength' and 'outer'. Consequences occur with such unbalance. 

I have 78 tasks today. That seems far too much. I am also not pausing enough each day. Some non-negotiables for energy: 

a) I need suitable sleep. 

b) I need more breath and heartwork. 

c) I find at times that I cannot sleep. 

Are there connections to be made between those three issues? 

Without being able to sleep, what hope might I have for the days ahead? Why am I taking with me to bed a tablet to watch videos? Is this the equivalent of being addicted to distraction? 

I guess that I am in a deliberate stream of 'chill this time'. I find myself walking this path several times. 

I need to sleep well for several days, and to feel the excitement of public performance once more.  Without energy and rest, little can really occur. 

Moderation: Enjoy

Hello all, 

The busy experiences of a new year have been enjoyed, without huge pressures or an extreme amount of work suffered. 

I notice that my posture and my breathwork has fallen away, as have my physical endeavours. But that is part of moderation, because everyone does not happen at once. 

To what extent am I able to simply be? Existential angst? Occupational boredom? Social ire? Physical degradation? 

a) Writing the teaching book. 

b) Writing about 'being', and the various distractions, and the fear of insanity at any point. 

To what extent can I simply be? In what moment might I frankly pause and simply focus? 

I ask for moderation: so much of excitement is seeking more.  Consolidation is perhaps my virtue now...

Moderation in all things, including Moderation

I have stepped away from body strength and engage, seeking instead to spend my evenings on 'inner': even then I am spending my time on a cocaine inner life. 

I find myself with 72 tasks on this Sunday (!). Is this too much? Come on. Way too much. 

Yesterday I did not look at my To Do list at all. 

For various reasons I have retreated into my abode. I think back to my emotions when I first arrived in Manila: I became overinvested in a trauma bond with another person. The mistakes I made in the past in Beijing protected my from the same actions here though: relating to the boss would have been a terrible end to my freedom here. 

Just 'being' requires a certain foundation of health that I simply do not enjoy right now. 

I feel that my emotions and social connections need some nourishment. 

1) Focus on my projects

2) Not demanding too much energy from others

3) Building more nourishment into my days

Perhaps more than that, why do I not have children? What might be the impact of that on my life? Last night I dreamt of moving in York, or Bath, an aspirational town with the kind of nourishing middle class support network which I would enjoy. 

I walked, I showered, and feel better. In what ways am I nourishing myself? That is the moderation I seek. 

Beginning the Fourth Week: Teaching Fitness?

Hi folks, 

The fourth week of this new teaching year begins. Students have had time to settle in, with those who might be most earnest stepping forth already, their paths already long begun. 

Those who are on a get-through exist too. They drag their heels, reluctant to commit to any path.  

Those who live to vex me are present, even if they are not. They deserve special care, even if they do not. Ignoring them is a new skill I need, and one I did not enjoy in Dubai. 

My energies have been reasonably dissipated this year. The reasons I might give for less energy only push pennies into different corners of the desk. Perhaps instead I have chosen to step away from a disciplined path trodden already by rational self-enlightenment. I exist to notice, not to do. 

Where are the sources of authority in my life? Are they parental? Governmental? Spiritual? Occupational? Cultural? 

Without those pauses, and the movement across this earth, where might my energy be? Without a sense of energy, of firing up my furnace, where might I be? 

For decades I reflection from one day to the day a mini-life, a small-saga: a moment a temporary being. What meaning might seep into the next day? What connections between the various ambitions of my life?

I cannot seek perfection this day, or even meaning, but rather that I link from the days before, and the days to be. That perspective is fitness to me.  

 I read again these thoughts and feel ready for a day of preperation.