Some abitrary ambitions

For decades I have struggled with the notion of ambition. 

Focusing on an ambition to be achieved creates purpose. 

There is little ambition that others can give me I enjoy. 

I live my life like I will die soon. 

Instead, live a life like I will wake up tomorrow. 

a) Guitar: find people to play with. Cover Paradise Lost songs, and learn Metallica. 

b) Personal Training: three times a week, get fit, run races. 

c) Work: Book on teaching literature based on my UBDs. Also, understanding ToK better. 

Ambition is vague in those immediately surrounding me. That is fine: I feel it is time to experience mine. 

I have energy, emotional and physical, to do some of the above. I am stepping away from the painting hobbies for now. 

A dream about Japan

Last night I dreamt about working in Japan. 

I was struck by how expensive everything seemed. There was no dual economy, and I was saving so little money. 

That does not capture the dream. 

I picked up a vacuum sealed meal, vegetables and meat. It was supremely expensive. 

I have little to say at the moment. That is fine. 

'Doing Work in the Evenings'

I woke up this morning with my chest stirring, feeling the force flux between the furnace of my stomach and the engine of my chest. What was this feeling? 

Was this 'fear of the tasks ahead'? Was this 'intimidation at what might occur at work'? Or was it 'the possible strong stirrings of glorious emotion'? 

For a fair length of time I have sat with my miniatures, painting as the lonely teenager wished to paint, a single coat of gloriously inked highlights. Such sitting with toys placated my emotions. 

Strong emotions were stirred when working with my old boss, although it was not just him who provoked them. I felt motivated to prove myself at work, to dedicate appropriate expertise to my daily craft: what do I feel now? 

The day stretches out, threatening an overflowing chest of expectations that cannot be delivered, its weight grabbing my head by either side, staring deep into my eyes. 

I am far from lost though. My energy reserves lie under a brittle layer of static past: some movement and excitement can crack the cover and fire my engine. 

Uncertainty and fear are acceptable emotions because I live a post-modern life of negation. 

What kind of lifestyle do I live now? How might I immediately seek to change this? Movement is necessary, as is socialising...

A stronger back

Today I take on a personal trainer. 

Sleeping, reading and exercise connect. 

I will at Xmas stop the Think Club, and will start instead the scribblers. Imagination and effort seek fruition. 

To what extent can I continue to write? How or when might my voice be heard? Do I first need to imagine what the future could be, to visualise a version of its manifestion?

How might my blog and book once again begin? I have spent long enough 'relaxing' at home. I think it might be space for me to consider what I do once more. 

I might be honest about how I use my to do list, my blog, my attempt at a book, and other timings. 

I have spent perhaps 18 months building up my gaming collection once more. It has been a pleasing project, but now it is time to move into a different field. 

What are some doable ambitions? 

Inner: Reading 25 minutes each day.  

Body: 67kg, racing once a month or so. 

Social: Socialising x3 a week after work. 

  

Ready to reduce

Reading my diaries, it is apparent that 'extras' do not make me happy, the drink I imbibe stacks up with wasteful impunity. 

I have painted my collection of minatures. There is no more actualisation I seek there, perhaps. That served its purpose. 

Instead, movement, socialising, music: these can be my things. 

I think I want to get:

 

a) A personal trainer. 

b) A music teacher. 

This will focus my actions.   

Finished Painting: Next Actualisation?

I find myself in the first half-term after my summer with all my painting practically finished. A few bits here and there could be done but my collection is done. 

I am 74.5 kg again, unsurprising given my lack of movement. Treating physical energy as a given will not end well for me. 

Where might my strongest emotions rise? I am not sure, but I think that if I choose to... then... 

I was dicked by academia, promised nothing and yet still received a cold package. I am not sure what else or where else I should be. 

I enjoy some useful habits to a degree, but my reflection is difficult because I struggle to see immediately ahead. 

I wrote once: Physical endeavour + pausing words + intense silence = a spiritual expanding of energy...

Perhaps that is the spiritual endeavour I might seek. 

I realise from my blogs how scattered I might be. I think that rather than a loosening of my mind and body, I should seek instead more discipline and focus. I can walk the world without feeling the need to run, to fight each moment I see. 

My posture and breathwork have fallen away. My emotional life has dissipated too. 

Simply sitting and thinking will unlikely help... doing and moving will be better. 

Integrate those colleagues

It has been a long time since I wrote on this blog because its purpose is nebulous. I write this for the boyish imagination that might still spark inside me. 

More can be found by spending more time with those who see more to reality than that which can be observed.   

Almost Finished Painting

 A week remains until my half-term. 

I have managed to paint almost all my collection. It sits happily on my shelves for all to see, highlights looking beautiful with deep and rich hues. 

I sit often in bed, taking the beauty of that collection into my heart.  

It seems most Fridays I drink 2-3 beers, and suffer incredibly poor sleep. Last night, though, I was back to a 90 rated sleep, the likes of which I have enjoyed over the past few weeks in the middle of the week.

I have slept well: 

Upon waking up I often scroll through social media posts. I am not sure that is where I want my subconscious to go. '

I have purposefully unbalanced my social and physical life. That is fine for the time I did: moderation in all things, including moderation. Maybe some things to change: 

1) Look at the day just gone: reflect... 

2) Look fot the next day: visualise.... 

Do I really enjoy a major goal? Let's be honest, I have taken my foot off the career pedal somewhat last year...  For various emotional reasons, I stepped down and off particular challenges. 

I read about work intentions and work intensity and wonder where I might be placed now. I have worked intensely many times over decades, forgoing physical and social energy.

Consolidate, remove, focus, pause, space, silence.