Intentions for 2024

Thanks to my better stomach the new year is welcomed, warmly. The privileges I seek for me and the ones I love continue. They continue because I have the foresight to see the consequences of actions and intentions. 

I want to invest myself less in the world around me. Energy might beget energy, but too often I give energy to everything I meet. I have the confidence to draw back those investments. I want to enjoy the confidence of a man who does not need to seek so much anymore. 

Reading these diaries I read of a young man who sought love. I have love, and I am fortunate in the awkward stumbles before I found it. I can appreciate the ease of being loved now. 

I will run 8kph for 25 minutes as many times as I can. 

I will read however I can. 

I will eat never after 8pm. 

How I am with others is an interplay. I have invested myself less in those games. My privilege to withdraw is well-earned. 

I look at potential ambitions elsewhere and feel no regret. I consider with a sober mind the 'then, if' of life. 

There is a 'if I have little recognised ambition, then I might regret the way I spent my time'. 

I struggle to see that connection occuring. 

Reading and being attracts me. 

 

Refuse the excess of this world

My imagination runs tired because of modern life. I find myself with 43 tasks. 

I have enough privilege to escape that, and soon. That is not default. 

My stomach is reasonably settled. I do not feel that sense of illness that I have done for many years. 

I would like to listen to more audiobooks. Too often I flit through reddit: a worth stimulant, but one that wears away imagination. 

Each day I run. More of that will make me feel healthy. More than that, I can feel strong knowing my body will not fail me in ways I have done before. 

And perhaps the evasions that I seek cloud my judgement about what I want to really talk about. I have 43 tasks.  

But I managed to 'do them' relatively well, albeit in 4-5 pomodoros. 

My writing does not reflect the experience of managing the outside world. I am smarter about my resting, and my health. 

Title: Rediscovering Balance: A Personal Journey of Task Management and Well-Being

In the hustle and bustle of modern life, my imagination often feels weary, burdened by the weight of 43 tasks waiting to be tackled. However, I am fortunate enough to recognize my privilege and to acknowledge that this constant busyness is not the default state for everyone.

Despite the chaos around me, I've noticed a significant improvement in my overall well-being. My stomach, once plagued by a lingering sense of illness for many years, now rests reasonably settled. This newfound physical comfort has opened up space for a mental shift, prompting me to reassess how I approach my daily tasks, especially on Sundays.

One area I've decided to redirect my focus is my choice of entertainment. Instead of mindlessly scrolling through Reddit, I aspire to engage my mind with enriching content, such as audiobooks. While Reddit may serve as a worthwhile stimulant, I've come to realize that it often erodes my imagination over time.

Physical activity has become a cornerstone of my self-care routine. Running each day not only contributes to my overall health but also instills a sense of strength. This assurance is invaluable, knowing that my body is less likely to fail me as it has in the past.

Despite the numerous tasks on my plate, I've managed to approach them with a newfound efficiency, completing them in 4-5 focused Pomodoros. This shift in task management has not only allowed me to maintain a sense of order in the outside world but has also positively influenced my writing.

As I navigate through the evasions that tend to cloud my judgment, I am becoming more attuned to what truly matters. The 43 tasks may still loom overhead, but the improved balance in my life has enabled me to approach them with a clearer mindset. I am not just managing the outside world; I am also smarter about my resting and, most importantly, my health. This journey toward a more mindful and balanced life is an ongoing process, and I am relishing in the newfound sense of well-being it brings.

Achieved some calm power, at last

This week I have spoken slower, and felt more energy as a result. 

I wonder if this is something I will sustain. 

My stomach has stirred with energy and I am fortunate for that. 

I do not feel that typing to this blog is something I need to do. 

I was found something I have sought. 

A Dream of what could be

Over two or three days my sleep has been poor on my watch due to the duration. 

Of more importance, though, is how little I look after the child inside of me. 

Looking after that child does not mean that I give him all he wants. It does not mean that I protect him from all the stark realities of the world. In fact, he is stronger than I think. 

There is some weariness and tiredness in my bones. Whether I am 'protecting myself' or otherwise is a consideration. 

I do not read or write as much as I did. I use Reddit as my imaginative distraction. 

My tasks are much more doable this week, with much less things that I absolutely 'need to do'. Part of me wants to more often consider the tasks that I really want to do. 

Finally working

Hello all, 

I feel great these days. My weight is consistently below 70kg, and my fitness age has dropped six years. 

As a result, the world around me seems a more achievable place. I am doing well. I am living well. I am feeling well. 

There is no overarching ambition. 

At work I am organising whole cohort teaching sessions. I manage people around me in both directions. 

I aim to not do 'too much'. 

I feel that a small life in a small town will suit me fine. 

There is something stabilising about a voice in a book. 

Life is Getting Easier

I am getting happier with: 

a) Leaving work for work days.Organising tasks on a Sunday is quicker now. 

b) Trying to do as few tasks as possible. 

I no longer need to hustle and work as intensely as I once did. It is time instead for me to speak more calmly.  

The first run for years

Today I am fit enough for a run; this is a seismic achievement. 

I would like to edit some of my life. 

Every Sunday I see the number of tasks I have to complete and realise that it is 'too much'. 

However, when I organise these lists, I realise that I have 11 tasks to complete that are 'high'. 

I wonder if I should see another day where I might be less busy? A Thursday perhaps? 

Sunday and Thursday? 

I also look ay my tasks. I had 45, and now 18. Only 10 are really 'high'. 

School planning; references; ToK planning - these are my three major tasks today. 

I ran a 5k at 4:30 pace. I am happy with that achievement. 

Sleep and Weight

 I have been sitting at 70.5kg all week. That is fine because it is my holiday. I expect to drop a bit next week because my lifestyle allows me to enjoy my current weight loss. 

Most people live lives of quiet desperation

All lives at times are lived out in desperation: for most our motivations are quiet. 

I read a thread on reddit about aggressive students. It reminded me of David Lister. I survived in the sense of I made it to the end of the year. It was horrendous. No-one was protected, not even the leaders who had stones thrown at them, or the middle leaders who moved on when they could. 

I believe that what I did, I did for my own reasons. But I was part of an eco-system that, if not exploited me, was unable to look after me. 

In that environment, I was able to move on. Quite how I made it into the new school was extraordinary: I did not have a reference, and I was in terrible shape physically and emotionally, traumatised by my situation personally and professionally. I woke up on the day and wondered if I was even meant to be in. 

I was. And I did. 

And now I sit with a wage far beyond what I would earn in the UK. Physically and emotionally I am protected from the kind of issues one might face in a UK school. I am motivated and inspired. 

Today I slept for long, acknowledging that I cannot lose weight well if I don't. I am able to do so. 

The desperation of a life lived in the UK was real - I fumbled my way out of it with grim steps of immediate motivation. Could I do so now? I guess I will, if I need to. 

But for now, let's acknowledge that I really have succeeded in many of the elements that I desired. Whatever goals might have been given to me, or that I might have selected, have been achieved. 

I am fortunate, and it is time I think to shift into middle age with this acknowledgment, maybe through more reading of 'internal family systems'.   

"From Desperation to Fulfillment: My Journey of Resilience and Transformation"

Life can sometimes throw us into moments of desperation, where the motivations that drive us remain hidden beneath the surface.

I stumbled upon a Reddit thread discussing the challenges of dealing with aggressive students, and it triggered memories of my own experiences, particularly those of David Lister. I managed to make it through that harrowing year, but it was far from a smooth ride. No one was immune to the chaos that reigned – not even the school leaders who faced stones hurled their way, or the middle managers who moved on when they had the chance.

I believed that everything I did, I did for my own reasons. But I soon realized that I was just a cog in an educational ecosystem that, if it didn't outright exploit me, certainly couldn't protect me. In that environment, I managed to move forward. How I found my way into a new school was nothing short of extraordinary. I had no reference, and both physically and emotionally, I was in shambles, traumatized by my personal and professional circumstances. On that first day, I woke up questioning whether I even belonged there.

The answer was a resounding "yes." I not only belonged, but I thrived. Fast forward to today, and I find myself with a wage far beyond what I could have earned in the UK. I've also built a protective shield around my physical and emotional well-being, sheltering myself from the challenges that typically haunt educators in the UK. I'm motivated and inspired in ways I never thought possible.

Today, I allowed myself the luxury of an extended sleep, realizing that I couldn't effectively address my weight issues without proper rest. It was a choice I could make and an acknowledgment of the transformation I've undergone.

The desperation I once felt living in the UK was undeniably real, and I escaped it one step at a time, driven by immediate motivations. Could I do it again if I had to? Perhaps. But for now, let's take a moment to acknowledge that I've achieved many of the goals I've set for myself. I am incredibly fortunate, and I believe it's time to embrace the transition into middle age with a sense of self-awareness. Perhaps, I'll explore this path further through my readings on 'internal family systems.'

In a better place emotionally

Hello all, 

Reading my diaries last year, it is very apparent that I am in a better place physically and emotionally. I am ready to enjoy the week ahead. 

I want to consider at some point the practicalities of over and under investmnet. 

Good judgement this half term

I successfully navigated last half-term with great skill and judgement. 

I am now 70kg on the nose. I am still 34/34.5 inches on the waist, and that is something I want to manage next. The control of my weight and body is something I return back to regularly.

As always there exist frustrations to 'wind me up' over the course of the week ahead. ICT has been the main one this week - my frustrations really stem from interactions with ICT over the course of time. I relied upon it hugely. 

When I see the ICT guy, I also see a person who accepted a job beyond his capacity. Any of us can do that; I chose not to. 

I slept in my yesterday rather than venturing out. Now I feel more rested. I think that a balance of rest of action is needed. I have enjoyed a lot of action. 

I have thinking about the potential title of this post, or one for my public blog. Under or Over investment? 

I despise those who under invest. Over investment can be far worse though... but for whom? 

A successfully human half-term

Over the past week I have enjoyed one of the most successfully human half-terms of my career. 

A hugely efficient half-term has been enjoyed, along with a significant increase in health. I have never been healthy enough to enjoy the October fun run. Let's see if I am able to do so.

40k continues to be an imaginative source. I have enjoyed playing two games at the weekend (and on middle of the week!) for about 5-6 weekends now. I feel almost no need to play with anyone else. My imagination enjoys the game enough at the moment. 

I do feel the need to 'do some maths' of the game now using unit crunch. Yesterday I was shocked by how many dark lances it took to kill a landraider but the maths was not lying... 

This week I have the CIS inspection. Of all the inspections I have seen, this is perhaps the 'easiest' of all of them. I have a busy parent workshop to prepare for,but that seems easy enough as well. 

I look at my targets: there are still loads of tasks... but some flicks and ticks and I am down to 16 in 25 minutes. The main thing I need to do is consider the parent workshop, my lessons for CIS, and some references. 

Last night I drunk too much on purpose. I woke up with a furry tongue. But... the amount I drank before and afterwards was significant, and I felt better for it. 

I have also managed to do very well with my fitness: 70.5k! 70.7kg after a heavy night. Who knows what I will do this week? Two weeks of maintaining that weight is fine for me. Dipping under to the 60s would be a seismic achievement. 

The AI says this: 

Title: A Productive and Healthy Half-Term: Reflecting on the Past Week

Over the past week, I have enjoyed one of the most successful half-terms of my career. It's been a hugely efficient period, and I've also experienced a significant increase in my health. This newfound wellness has me hopeful about participating in the upcoming October fun run, which I've never been healthy enough to enjoy before. Let's see if I can make it happen this time.

Achieving Efficiency and Finding Joy in 40k

One of the highlights of this half-term has been my involvement in the tabletop game Warhammer 40,000 (40k). For the past 5-6 weekends, I've found immense enjoyment in playing two games each weekend (and even during the middle of the week). Surprisingly, I feel little need to engage with others in the game because my imagination is thoroughly captivated by it. However, I now find myself eager to delve into the mathematical intricacies of the game, especially concerning unit crunch. I was astonished yesterday when I calculated how many dark lances it took to eliminate a landraider, only to realize that the math was accurate.

CIS Inspection and Parent Workshop

This week brings the CIS inspection, which, in comparison to other inspections I've encountered, appears to be one of the "easier" ones. Additionally, I have a busy parent workshop to prepare for, but it seems manageable enough. Glancing at my to-do list, there are still numerous tasks to tackle. However, with a few productive flicks and ticks, I've managed to reduce my workload to just 16 items in the next 25 minutes. My primary focus now revolves around preparing for the parent workshop, planning my lessons for the CIS inspection, and addressing some pending references.

Balancing Health and Recreation

Last night, I intentionally indulged in a bit too much alcohol, and as a result, I woke up with a fuzzy tongue. However, the quantity I drank both before and after this indulgence was significant, and it surprisingly left me feeling better. It's a reminder of the importance of finding a balance between work and relaxation.

A Health Milestone: Fitness and Weight Management

I'm also proud to report significant progress in my fitness journey during this half-term. I've managed to cover an impressive 70.5 kilometers. Even after a night of indulgence, my weight stands at 70.7 kilograms. Looking ahead, I'm excited to see what the coming week holds. Two weeks of maintaining this weight would be perfectly fine with me, but dipping into the 60-kilogram mark would truly be a seismic achievement.

In conclusion, this half-term has been a remarkable combination of productivity and improved health. From my engagement in 40k to the upcoming CIS inspection and parent workshop, there's plenty to keep me occupied. However, I've also learned the importance of finding moments for relaxation and enjoyment, and I'm eager to continue my fitness journey. With these accomplishments in mind, I look forward to the challenges and opportunities the next half-term will bring.

 

Organising Tasks on a Sunday

Hi folks, 

I have 71 tasks allocated for today. Let's see how I can push back all the non-urgent tasks to next Sunday.

In seconds that moves things to 63. 

I now move through the unallocated tasks: 

I complete a few of these and find myself with still a huge amount of tasks today: 38... but can I complete in a pomodoro? 

I managed to schedule and complete these tasks in 90 minutes. Maybe even just an hour. The AI was a great help. I did not feel overwhelmed. 

Well done!

Ups and downs, but discipline continues

My sleep score continues to be high; I am sleeping better than ever. 

My work quality continues to be high. I am doing so more 'within myself' than before. 

I feel I am 'hacking life', or rather, thanks to my good health and decisions of rational self-enlightenment, am living a life of happiness. 

Title: "Finding Balance: My Journey to a More Relaxed and Healthier Life"

Seeking a more relaxed and balanced life is my prime ambition at the moment. I am tended towards some overwork, and so rhythm is necessary. I have today, for example, 75 tasks. Is this needed? Like my gym work, avoiding over work is important. It is one thing to overwork because I have to: it is another to seek it out.

The Quest for Relaxation

Over the past few years I can read in my blog of how I have desired to be more relaxed; it has been a goal that I have found hard to articulate. When I was younger, I spoke to 'either side of the middle line', and how on both sides 'screams freedom'. This polarisation is not helpful. To be relaxed and 'within myself', is a better challenge. My health, physical and mental, has not been great, with my illnesses often rising at difficult times. Gym work has been overdone, food has regressed into sugary blasts, and work has consumed me at times. 

The Elements of Balance

There are key elements that have contributed to my newfound balance:

Weight loss: I am capable of gaining huge weight these days, my visceral fat crowding my organs and putting undue weight on my ankles. Losing weight helps with everything.

Exercise: Running regularly on my lifestyle means I am permanently injured? Now? I regularly use the elliptical bike, and my heart beats with real power. 

Sleep: My sleep is the best it has been since I managed it. This is another foundation for waking each day with effectiveness. 

Intermittent fasting: A new addition is my fasting routine: I do not drink coffee, and I do not eat breakfast. For a time I felt my words were slurred and slow; that is not the case. My body can actually rest, and my mind becomes more in itself as well. I sit here mildly hungry and mostly happy.

Time management: My task organization and time management has better than ever. Being able to structure that which is necessary or otherwise has really helped. 

A Well-Rounded Lifestyle

I wake up at the same time all the time, feeling more refreshed and focused. I begin work with a feeling of gratitude and ease. My stress levels throughout the day are less, and I am achieving more with less. 

My marking works well, and I have yet to mark at home. 

More time for looking after myself is possible: the child of my mind is being looked after, and for that I am grateful. 

The Value of the Present

Time as we understand it is a human construct. We experience it as a way of stopping everything from happening at once. However, everything does happen at once because things affect each other. Into this space, I appreciate the present because my stomach is so much more settled. I can just be, and the privileges of my lifestyle exist to be enjoyed. 

Conclusion:

I wrote this blog to seek. I have found a worthy love, a tremendous job, and a lifestyle that I could only envy if I was back in the UK. 

To anyone else seeking something, I can only consider the situated experience of myself: realise that much of our complex modern life is a con, and that stepping out of these slipstreams is possible. 

Whatever balance and calm I experience now can only be temporary because my mind is not my own. It is something continually in flux. And I feel that this is something I can manage. 

A great start to the year: Quality Over Quantity

One blessing of being an international teacher is that there are many new beginnings: the new academic year, the new calendar year, my birthday, and the end of the year. The cycles are more pronounced, and I see folks grow up fairly quickly. The chance to nourish my own soul are profuse. But British culture encourages overwork. 

I have overworked for many years. Not being ill in January is an ongoing ambition I have yet to meet. When I first trained to be a teacher, I was seriously ill for a significant time. Overinvesting at work is a common demand, but one that perhaps I do not need to meet anymore. 

British teachers are too busy. Rather than the 70-90 kids that teach now, I would teach 150-70+. I would also be expected to mark books hugely too, marking at home regularly. I would be expected to change the curriculum in a responsive fashion all the time too. Inspections would be far too arduous, demanding a farcical amount of emotional and social investment. Those who underinvest would not be affected by these demands, and those who overinvest are taken to breaking points, and beyond. 

Into this space I have been seeking something different: the power of quiet discipline. The culture of overwork really does not appreciate quiet discipline, seeing it as lazy fecklessness. Maybe I need to hear it, to grant it space to speak in the halls of my mind. In inviting this approach to speak to me, I let it influence me. There is a fear that it will change me: sustained invitations to speak to the hall of my mind are key.  

Some of these spaces of quiet discipline are in the following actions: organising days to attempt tasks. On too many occasions I work hard on a weekend when actually I have time during the working day to do such tasks. I also should sleep well, and I should give time to be more balanced. 

Part of this change is more physical activity: I am now regularly pushing my heart rate up in a way I have done for years. The effectiveness of a 20-minute elliptical bike workout is extraordinary. I can fit this in, kickstart my body, and ensure I feel good. Regular physical activity contributes to overall well-being, and helps to regulate my emotions too. 

So this month I focus on Quality Over Quantity. I mark less. I aim for more precise lessons. I take advantage of the systemic planning I have enjoyed before. Working with less effort but higher efficiency means that I have the space to take on the extras that inevitably arise during the day. A healthier and more powerful work-life balance is gained through this approach. 

What was I seeking when I moved abroad ten years ago? I guess I wanted a space like this: excellent students and colleagues that allow me to enjoy a rich and full life. This does not have to be unduly exciting or busy: the culture of this blog is encouraging others to embrace quiet discipline and leave space in their lives. 

For the first time in a long time, I feel the hope for a happier and healthier year ahead. 

Time for Gratitude?

I am old enough now to seek forms of gratitude. 

1) My health. Despite the ups and downs of my health, I have the time and position to improve myself. There are gyms close by. 

Before I used to drink too much, and be surrounded by people who drunk too much. Now, I have people who want me to be healthy. 

2) My reading. I am beginning to ramp up my reading standards from before. 

3) My work. I am respected at work, and have a chance to grow further in my roles.

4) My relationships: Grace is the main one - there is space to be as we wish to e.  

5) My experiences: I have lived perhaps enough hedonistic experiences to feel that side of me is entirely satiated. That side of me will never be entirely satiated, but I can calm myself without feeling I have deprived myself unnecessarily. 

A lifestyle of retirement?

For a fair time I have sat with fatness in chairs, and laid indolent on sofas. My stomach expanded, weighing me with heavy flesh. 

Work excites me still. I have a foundation of excellence upon which to build, years of diligent work and reflection. 

I once admired life coaches because of their nebulous ambition. However, anyone who steps up to this role must I think subject their own life to scrutiny. Someone who lectures on how to raise a child before, and after, their child commits suicide is of questionable value. Perhaps their unique perspective can offer more insight, but this requires a level of reflection that is almost humanly impossible. What possible parental missteps can be recognised as contributing to the suicide of a teen? And how would the context of those missteps tread into the world? It is hard to consider. 

As a literature and philosophy teacher, I struggle continually with how my life may be an example of what I teach. My physical weaknesses stemming from injury and tedium make me stumble. But... I have enough physical prowess remaining to continue a road to fitness. 

Where I think I stumble most is in my directionless emotions. Maybe I should embrace that.  

Some intentions?

I feel happier knowing that I live for some intentions more than I might live for some goals. 

I have managed to run in the gym more often than not over the past week or so. I have dropped some weight and ate better as a result. I have, however, not eaten perfectly, taking on two lasagnes and fast food yesterday, along with a bottle of wine and chocolate. However... I am here! And ready to run again

I do not look at my todo list for weeks, and that is fine. 

I wonder what kind of lifestyle I might want, and how I might expand my interests in doing so. 

Life could be so different in many ways. 

A new striving?

When I qualified as a teacher, I was so continually fired up that I refused to play Fantasy Football. I felt that I needed time on the weekends and evenings to plan as I desired. There were even times that I was glad I was childless for this reason. 

In my second year, I remember taking home Year 9 books about Stone Cold, and struggling on a cold winter's night to mark them. For many days I shuttled them back and forth without marking. 

When OFSTED came, and KHDA, I was able to work and mark extraordinarily well. I was tired, yet I functioned with skill and tenacity. 

These days the oversight I once experienced is almost gone. 

I spoke to the AI as a CBT therapist. It suggested intentions vs goals, and that is something I really believe in. 

I think that since I dropped away from the post of Assistant Head, I instead desire some other form of striving. 

Fortunately, despite the abuses of my body, I manage to drop 3kgs these two weeks: I intend to keep a relatively healthy lifestyle, with appropriate exercise. 

It is time to visit Karth I think, that fantastical city that I may write about.  

When I first stepped into the world of teaching, my heart was filled with an unquenchable passion. It was a time of excitement and dedication as I embarked on this meaningful path. In those early days, I made a conscious decision to forgo indulging in Fantasy Football, as I believed that my weekends and evenings were better spent planning and preparing lessons tailored to my students' needs. It was a choice I embraced wholeheartedly, cherishing the opportunity to invest my time and energy in crafting enriching experiences for my learners. At times, I even found myself grateful for not having children of my own yet, as it allowed me the freedom to fully dedicate myself to my profession.

During my second year as a teacher, I vividly recall a cold winter's night when I took home a stack of Year 9 books on the topic of Stone Cold. The challenge of marking them felt immense, and for days, I carried them back and forth, finding it difficult to make progress. However, when the time came for OFSTED and KHDA evaluations, I surprised myself by demonstrating an extraordinary ability to manage my workload efficiently. Despite the fatigue, I persevered with skill and tenacity, driven by my passion for guiding and inspiring my students.

As the years passed, the sense of constant oversight gradually subsided, providing me with more autonomy and freedom to explore my own teaching approach. During this time, I had an intriguing experience when I interacted with an AI as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) therapist. It introduced me to the concept of intentions versus goals, which deeply resonated with me. Embracing this philosophy, I learned to set meaningful intentions in my teaching practice, fostering a greater sense of fulfillment and purpose.

As my journey in education evolved, I decided to step down from my role as an Assistant Head, recognizing that my aspirations were leading me in a different direction. Instead of aiming for traditional career advancements, I found myself yearning for new avenues of personal growth and fulfillment. It was a liberating decision, allowing me to explore different forms of striving and self-expression.

Amidst the demands of my profession, I faced the challenge of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Nevertheless, despite the physical toll, I managed to shed some weight over the past two weeks. I am determined to prioritize my well-being, making time for appropriate exercise and adopting a relatively healthy lifestyle.

Now, as I look to the future, I find myself yearning for adventure and inspiration. I believe it's time to visit Karth, a fantastical city that sparks my imagination. Perhaps this enchanting place will serve as the backdrop for stories that I can weave, drawing from my experiences as a dedicated teacher.

In conclusion, my teaching journey has been a tapestry of passion, dedication, and growth. I cherish the meaningful connections I've made with my students and the invaluable lessons I've learned along the way. As I continue to embrace intentions over strict goals, I am excited about the possibilities that lie ahead – both in my profession and in the pursuit of personal dreams. The path ahead may be uncertain, but it's a journey I'm eager to embark on with an open heart and a warm spirit.

Brain and Body Are Weaker than Before

For so long my brain and body have been underused: I sit here fat and droopy, while my concentration is weak in the mind. 

While with others I feel better. 

It is my job to help my family enjoy a life better than now. Is it? 

Finally my nervous system has calmed: "Examining the Emotional Impact: Culture and Academic Performance"

For so long my nervous system stirred like an angry mob inside the bastille of my stomach. It has been calmed. 

I received the results of my latest cohort: mediocre, but with some pleasing points. The EE and ToK were very good. Normally I would expect the results to fire my body, instigating nausea or more, and leaving me with a cerebral rather than visceral disturbance. The cerebral disturbance was far easily to manage, making these the 'best results' of my career.

Wondering why I often felt extreme responses to results brought me to a conclusion: KHDA Louise Ford and OFSTED. These entities malignly sought to overstretch the remit of exam results, causing me to invest my emotional and spiritual worth in something outside my control, and leave me desperate and stressed. Even when the results were great, I would not feel physically harmonious, as if I was brainwashed to overcare about results.    

All culture is brainwashing. If I do not conform to culture, the consequences are unpleasant. If I do not invest in culture, the consequences coerce me. If I do not overinvest in culture my position in my organisation becomes shaky at best. 

For what felt like eons, my nervous system had been staging a full-blown rebellion within the confines of my stomach's bastille. But guess what? The uprising has finally been quelled.

So, the latest cohort results are in, and well, they fall somewhere in the mediocre realm with a sprinkle of pleasing points. The EE and ToK managed to shine brightly though, which was a pleasant surprise. Normally, this kind of news would send my body into a frenzy, causing all sorts of chaos within me. But this time, it was different – more of a cerebral disturbance than a visceral one. And you know what? I can't help but consider these the "best results" of my career, all things considered.

Curiously, I've been pondering why I tend to react so intensely to these results. And I've come to a realization: I blame it on KHDA Louise Ford and OFSTED. These entities have this uncanny ability to stretch the significance of exam results, making me invest my emotional and spiritual worth into something entirely beyond my control. It's left me feeling desperate and stressed, even when the results turn out to be great. It's like they brainwashed me into caring way too much about the whole thing.

But you know what I've concluded? All culture is a form of brainwashing – it's unavoidable. If I don't conform to it, well, let's just say the consequences aren't exactly a walk in the park. And if I don't invest in it, the consequences can be quite persuasive. It's like I'm caught in a cultural tug of war, where balancing is an art, and even then, my position in my organization feels a bit wobbly.

Ah, the joys of life's little paradoxes! But hey, I'm navigating through it all, and perhaps that's the real achievement here – finding my own way amidst the chaos of expectations and cultures. 

No routine of physical fitness

 Withou ta 

Why read and write and strive?

I want no children. 

I want no more qualifications. 

These two elements drove me for so long that to lose them is death. 

Consciously, at least, those two ambitions have never guided me. I was dead to many a long time ago. 

I want to read more. I do not. I want to read because of how it puts me in 'the world'. 

Happy with a smaller world

I am happier with the smaller world I inhabit this year. 

That decision was purposeful. 

My health is not great, and has not been for a fair while. I eat too much. I think it is an emotional and values-based approach I need. 

But it is tricky to do this when some work hangs over me. 

Physical Fitness is my consciousness in the world

Without physical fitness, my consciousness is laboured. 

My students have sat almost all their exams. I have a few things left over the coming months, but nothing especially arduous. 

Swim, now brother. 

The physical elements of my life should no longer be optional. 

Too much in my todo list

I am getting old now. No longer am I the young man with an excess of energy. Or, rather, I have energy but I am more conscious in how I might spend it. 

I spent some time yesterday revamping my todo list. 

My reflection has dropped. 

'Relaxation' achieved?

For a long while I have stumbled my way towards relaxation. Many posts speak about desiring it.  

Finally, it seems upon a stony beach with throngs of sand I find it. 

I look at this body of mine. 

I close my eyes. The smell of Karth, its beautiful stench, tingles the baubles of my guts. I cannot escape that city, yet nor do I wish. 

My written language is a world I rarely experience. Even a man whose job is to live within that world finds himself drawn away. 

Bullet chess calls me. Scrolling on reddit calls me. 

My emotional and physical health is still surprisingly low. I think looking after those two things is desirable, now. And I am in a position to know what might be too much. 

___________________________

After a long and winding journey, I have finally stumbled upon the key to relaxation. Countless articles and posts have expressed the desire for it, but it eluded me for some time.

But now, here I stand on a stony beach, surrounded by the masses of sand, and I feel it wash over me. I take a moment to gaze upon my body, then close my eyes, savoring the pungent aroma of Karth that dances within me. Though I cannot escape the city, I have no desire to do so.

As a writer, I am rarely able to fully immerse myself in the world of words. Even someone whose livelihood depends on it can find themselves pulled away by the allure of bullet chess or scrolling through Reddit.

Yet, I recognize the importance of taking care of my emotional and physical well-being, and I am now in a position to discern what might be too much. It is time to prioritize these aspects of my life.

A Clash of Cultures

Within me exists a clash of cultures, as perhaps that might exist always. 

To survive at work, I do things I do not agree with.

My energy levels are not high because my physicality is not high. 

___

Title: Navigating Cultural Clashes and Work-Related Stress for Improved Physical Well-Being

I. Introduction

Little can be achieved without energy, be it mental, physical or emotional. When we are younger this energy stabbed through my being in waves: passion propelled me. But now I want something different: a calmer and more certain expending of energy. Instead of confident certainty, of a clear allocation of me, I struggle with cultural clashes that sap my energy each day. These find their place most righteously at work. 

Importance of addressing cultural clashes and work-related stress for physical well-being

II. The Clash of Cultures Within

I remember the pressures of working in Dubai, and I enjoyed it. I remember purchasing a printer and laminator to decorate my classroom. Yet I remember the corporate pressures with the woman who was banned from teaching in Dubai.

How about the experience of drinking heavily at times vs the lack of reading I so clearly did?

These cultural clashes impact both my emotional and mental health because they demand that I sit with so much dissonance, and expend too much energy. 

Learning about these other cultures may help me to identify the essential characteristics of each. The cross-over points that seek to direct my attention.  

How cultural clashes can impact mental and emotional health

Strategies for managing cultural clashes, including seeking out support and learning about other cultures

III. Doing Things You Don't Agree with at Work

Every workplace causes moral and ethical dilemmas. People who do not put in as many hours as I think they should? A potential issue. A lack of attention to the needs of vulnerable students? That's an issue. How about denigrating classroom teachers in their space? That's also an issue. 

Professionalism by its nature demands we follow its values over its own. As a teacher, this might be inclusion, or grading, or disciplining: if we choose to follow cultures that denigrate grading, or seek restorative disciplining, or challenge inclusion, then we will experience cognitive dissonance. 

To deal with these issues requires me to identify the sources of conflict. My position in the hierarchy demands I do. Seeking points of connection between these dissonant points is another. 

IV. The Connection Between Physicality and Energy Levels

For too long I struggled with my physicality, or even my lack of it. My energy levels are low almost all the time. I feel not a sense of energy or passion in what I do. I think my week of junk food comes back to me now. Seeking energy through physical healthy will be important.  

V. Conclusion

Recap of key points

Encouragement for readers to prioritize their mental, emotional, and physical health in the face of cultural clashes and work-related stress

....

I. Introduction

Explanation of the three sentences

Importance of addressing cultural clashes and work-related stress for physical well-being

II. The Clash of Cultures Within

Personal experiences and examples of cultural clashes

How cultural clashes can impact mental and emotional health

Strategies for managing cultural clashes, including seeking out support and learning about other cultures

III. Doing Things You Don't Agree with at Work

Examples of workplace situations that may cause moral or ethical dilemmas

The impact of cognitive dissonance on mental and emotional well-being

Strategies for navigating workplace conflicts while maintaining personal values

IV. The Connection Between Physicality and Energy Levels

Explanation of the mind-body connection

How stress and anxiety can impact physical health and energy levels

Strategies for improving physical well-being, including exercise, diet, and stress-reducing activities

V. Conclusion

Recap of key points

Encouragement for readers to prioritize their mental, emotional, and physical health in the face of cultural clashes and work-related stress

______

I need only work as hard as I desire. 

I wonder if my identity might grow soon? That I seek not that which I already have? That I might put judicious effort into others. 

Maybe I can put into my todo list other elements? 

_____

Title: Exploring Self-Actualization and Personal Growth through Mindful Task Management

I. Introduction

Explanation of the three sentences

Importance of mindfulness in task management for personal growth

II. Working as Hard as You Desire

The benefits and limitations of working only as hard as you desire

How personal motivations and aspirations can influence the level of effort put into tasks

Strategies for finding the right balance between exerting enough effort and avoiding burnout

III. Identity Growth and Self-Actualization

The concept of self-actualization and its importance for personal growth

How mindful task management can support the process of self-actualization

Strategies for incorporating personal growth into task management

IV. Putting Judicious Effort into Others

The benefits of putting effort into helping others and building community

How mindful task management can support efforts to help others

Strategies for finding ways to help others while still achieving personal goals

V. Incorporating Other Elements into Your To-Do List

The importance of variety and balance in task management

How to identify and incorporate other elements into your to-do list, such as self-care and learning opportunities

Strategies for prioritizing and balancing different types of tasks

VI. Conclusion

Recap of key points

Encouragement for readers to reflect on their own task management habits and consider how they can support personal growth and self-actualization through mindful task management.

_______

I feel that the AI is like talking to a flawed digital oracle whom I do not have in any other form 

The only moment is now, and in that we carry everything

Sometimes, at times, I detect that this moment is the only one in which I am alive. I carry in that moment all that which might make me alive. So my worries about work and love seem to be drawn from the future. 

My existential ambitions have been called away. In their place is a warm yet listless floating along time until forever. This seems at times a better being than fear-filled reality. 

I wonder if some of the nefarious manifestations of humanity are the ones that would attract me when younger. Hustle culture types. Without social or cultural capital, what alternative mantestations attract me? Working hard for a salary has proved impossible. I should accept my starting point and my cards, and embrace my likely fate with my creative ambitions. 

But they do not speak to me well either. Is that because they contend the desires of others to make money from me? Or what else? The creative desires I nurture occasionally challenge the desire to work hard. 

_____

Yesterday my feelings of fatigue were profound. I would not say that I feel near death, but my vitality is sorely lacking. 

I lived for a long time with the stabs of passion that seemed to power my actions: my heart and chest felt light and fiery. For a massive time I have not felt those emotions, living in a way that means they do not affect me so. 

Some of those stabs might return instead into noble and glorious armies, focused on tackling foes, seeing the dark realities of human nature. 

Inside I feel the tensions of humanity reside inside me, with discipline seeking to create a more honest path towards a safer future. 

_____________

Karth. I do not wish to name my city, but that seems to be what it is. 

It is a desert city, falsely made on the ancient paths of nomadic rulers.

Inside this city my mind might venture, ready to experience. 

Chadda, that boy man who left the sunken aircraft those decades ago finds himself now in this exotic city, unaware of how he might change. Like a white Othello, his violent skills will see him experience how humanity lives, and how his fortune will wash into sand when his usefulness seems done. 

In the sweat-filled ambitions of Karth, violence will never die. 

The final flourish? An existential threat to Karth: the slavers and spireites worry about any interdimensional being who can visit them. How their struggles become entertainment for others, how they are a means to an end.

Karthites might visit this world: language becoming strangely known, minds filling in gaps.  

______________________

It seems to be that the lack of emotion in work is... 

Can I 'deal with' emotion? Or will my strongest emotions merely be reactions at work? 

_______________________________

Lazy Literature

If you are reading this because you are genuinely lazy, then this is likely not the book for you. Guilt. 

Hustle Culture, Make Self Improvement, Etc

I find in 2023 that hustle culture and male self improvement are remarkably unconvincing. 

Class dominates my thinking. It becomes more important than my gender and my race, dominating how I see myself and others. 

I have not felt strongly about what I do for many months. Is that as bad as I think it might be?

Remember when you first came to Manila: those strong, overwhelming emotions, the desire to love and be loved. You have that now. 

No longer do you need to place the foundation of your esteem at the shifting feet of others. 

Moving, eating, playing, reading... these should be enough? 

What can I do with these 'themes' or 'concepts' that I am collecting from literature? It seems that 'greed for power' and 'class' are key themes. What to do with them?

I feel I need to read more. 

I'm curious to find out how hustle culture and male self improvement have fared in 2023. Do they still have the same appeal they had previously? 

Class seems to have taken precedence in my life over gender and race. I'm wondering if that's as bad as it seems. 

I'm also trying to rediscover the joys of everyday activities, and looking back to when I first arrived in Manila — the emotions I experienced and the desire to be loved — to find the same kind of meaning I was seeking in the hustle culture and male self improvement. 

I have been gathering insights from literature about 'greed for power' and 'class' and I am trying to figure out what to do with them. I know that reading more might be the answer, but it seems like there could be a more meaningful way to interpret them.