Time for Gratitude?

I am old enough now to seek forms of gratitude. 

1) My health. Despite the ups and downs of my health, I have the time and position to improve myself. There are gyms close by. 

Before I used to drink too much, and be surrounded by people who drunk too much. Now, I have people who want me to be healthy. 

2) My reading. I am beginning to ramp up my reading standards from before. 

3) My work. I am respected at work, and have a chance to grow further in my roles.

4) My relationships: Grace is the main one - there is space to be as we wish to e.  

5) My experiences: I have lived perhaps enough hedonistic experiences to feel that side of me is entirely satiated. That side of me will never be entirely satiated, but I can calm myself without feeling I have deprived myself unnecessarily. 

A lifestyle of retirement?

For a fair time I have sat with fatness in chairs, and laid indolent on sofas. My stomach expanded, weighing me with heavy flesh. 

Work excites me still. I have a foundation of excellence upon which to build, years of diligent work and reflection. 

I once admired life coaches because of their nebulous ambition. However, anyone who steps up to this role must I think subject their own life to scrutiny. Someone who lectures on how to raise a child before, and after, their child commits suicide is of questionable value. Perhaps their unique perspective can offer more insight, but this requires a level of reflection that is almost humanly impossible. What possible parental missteps can be recognised as contributing to the suicide of a teen? And how would the context of those missteps tread into the world? It is hard to consider. 

As a literature and philosophy teacher, I struggle continually with how my life may be an example of what I teach. My physical weaknesses stemming from injury and tedium make me stumble. But... I have enough physical prowess remaining to continue a road to fitness. 

Where I think I stumble most is in my directionless emotions. Maybe I should embrace that.  

Some intentions?

I feel happier knowing that I live for some intentions more than I might live for some goals. 

I have managed to run in the gym more often than not over the past week or so. I have dropped some weight and ate better as a result. I have, however, not eaten perfectly, taking on two lasagnes and fast food yesterday, along with a bottle of wine and chocolate. However... I am here! And ready to run again

I do not look at my todo list for weeks, and that is fine. 

I wonder what kind of lifestyle I might want, and how I might expand my interests in doing so. 

Life could be so different in many ways. 

A new striving?

When I qualified as a teacher, I was so continually fired up that I refused to play Fantasy Football. I felt that I needed time on the weekends and evenings to plan as I desired. There were even times that I was glad I was childless for this reason. 

In my second year, I remember taking home Year 9 books about Stone Cold, and struggling on a cold winter's night to mark them. For many days I shuttled them back and forth without marking. 

When OFSTED came, and KHDA, I was able to work and mark extraordinarily well. I was tired, yet I functioned with skill and tenacity. 

These days the oversight I once experienced is almost gone. 

I spoke to the AI as a CBT therapist. It suggested intentions vs goals, and that is something I really believe in. 

I think that since I dropped away from the post of Assistant Head, I instead desire some other form of striving. 

Fortunately, despite the abuses of my body, I manage to drop 3kgs these two weeks: I intend to keep a relatively healthy lifestyle, with appropriate exercise. 

It is time to visit Karth I think, that fantastical city that I may write about.  

When I first stepped into the world of teaching, my heart was filled with an unquenchable passion. It was a time of excitement and dedication as I embarked on this meaningful path. In those early days, I made a conscious decision to forgo indulging in Fantasy Football, as I believed that my weekends and evenings were better spent planning and preparing lessons tailored to my students' needs. It was a choice I embraced wholeheartedly, cherishing the opportunity to invest my time and energy in crafting enriching experiences for my learners. At times, I even found myself grateful for not having children of my own yet, as it allowed me the freedom to fully dedicate myself to my profession.

During my second year as a teacher, I vividly recall a cold winter's night when I took home a stack of Year 9 books on the topic of Stone Cold. The challenge of marking them felt immense, and for days, I carried them back and forth, finding it difficult to make progress. However, when the time came for OFSTED and KHDA evaluations, I surprised myself by demonstrating an extraordinary ability to manage my workload efficiently. Despite the fatigue, I persevered with skill and tenacity, driven by my passion for guiding and inspiring my students.

As the years passed, the sense of constant oversight gradually subsided, providing me with more autonomy and freedom to explore my own teaching approach. During this time, I had an intriguing experience when I interacted with an AI as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) therapist. It introduced me to the concept of intentions versus goals, which deeply resonated with me. Embracing this philosophy, I learned to set meaningful intentions in my teaching practice, fostering a greater sense of fulfillment and purpose.

As my journey in education evolved, I decided to step down from my role as an Assistant Head, recognizing that my aspirations were leading me in a different direction. Instead of aiming for traditional career advancements, I found myself yearning for new avenues of personal growth and fulfillment. It was a liberating decision, allowing me to explore different forms of striving and self-expression.

Amidst the demands of my profession, I faced the challenge of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Nevertheless, despite the physical toll, I managed to shed some weight over the past two weeks. I am determined to prioritize my well-being, making time for appropriate exercise and adopting a relatively healthy lifestyle.

Now, as I look to the future, I find myself yearning for adventure and inspiration. I believe it's time to visit Karth, a fantastical city that sparks my imagination. Perhaps this enchanting place will serve as the backdrop for stories that I can weave, drawing from my experiences as a dedicated teacher.

In conclusion, my teaching journey has been a tapestry of passion, dedication, and growth. I cherish the meaningful connections I've made with my students and the invaluable lessons I've learned along the way. As I continue to embrace intentions over strict goals, I am excited about the possibilities that lie ahead – both in my profession and in the pursuit of personal dreams. The path ahead may be uncertain, but it's a journey I'm eager to embark on with an open heart and a warm spirit.

Brain and Body Are Weaker than Before

For so long my brain and body have been underused: I sit here fat and droopy, while my concentration is weak in the mind. 

While with others I feel better. 

It is my job to help my family enjoy a life better than now. Is it? 

Finally my nervous system has calmed: "Examining the Emotional Impact: Culture and Academic Performance"

For so long my nervous system stirred like an angry mob inside the bastille of my stomach. It has been calmed. 

I received the results of my latest cohort: mediocre, but with some pleasing points. The EE and ToK were very good. Normally I would expect the results to fire my body, instigating nausea or more, and leaving me with a cerebral rather than visceral disturbance. The cerebral disturbance was far easily to manage, making these the 'best results' of my career.

Wondering why I often felt extreme responses to results brought me to a conclusion: KHDA Louise Ford and OFSTED. These entities malignly sought to overstretch the remit of exam results, causing me to invest my emotional and spiritual worth in something outside my control, and leave me desperate and stressed. Even when the results were great, I would not feel physically harmonious, as if I was brainwashed to overcare about results.    

All culture is brainwashing. If I do not conform to culture, the consequences are unpleasant. If I do not invest in culture, the consequences coerce me. If I do not overinvest in culture my position in my organisation becomes shaky at best. 

For what felt like eons, my nervous system had been staging a full-blown rebellion within the confines of my stomach's bastille. But guess what? The uprising has finally been quelled.

So, the latest cohort results are in, and well, they fall somewhere in the mediocre realm with a sprinkle of pleasing points. The EE and ToK managed to shine brightly though, which was a pleasant surprise. Normally, this kind of news would send my body into a frenzy, causing all sorts of chaos within me. But this time, it was different – more of a cerebral disturbance than a visceral one. And you know what? I can't help but consider these the "best results" of my career, all things considered.

Curiously, I've been pondering why I tend to react so intensely to these results. And I've come to a realization: I blame it on KHDA Louise Ford and OFSTED. These entities have this uncanny ability to stretch the significance of exam results, making me invest my emotional and spiritual worth into something entirely beyond my control. It's left me feeling desperate and stressed, even when the results turn out to be great. It's like they brainwashed me into caring way too much about the whole thing.

But you know what I've concluded? All culture is a form of brainwashing – it's unavoidable. If I don't conform to it, well, let's just say the consequences aren't exactly a walk in the park. And if I don't invest in it, the consequences can be quite persuasive. It's like I'm caught in a cultural tug of war, where balancing is an art, and even then, my position in my organization feels a bit wobbly.

Ah, the joys of life's little paradoxes! But hey, I'm navigating through it all, and perhaps that's the real achievement here – finding my own way amidst the chaos of expectations and cultures.