In a good place

This week a limited icon promised their exit. If this is true then my position can grow. I do not have the sheer energy and power that I once did younger. But enough blood runs near my bones to work. 

There is something monastic in my profession to both respect and disdain. What boy grows up wanting to teach? The diligent intensity of planning each week has its own value but the energy of living should not be given up so easily. 

I have energy that I give to many hobbies that I see as a glorious waste of time. 

I am happy to refocus my energy into less things as I near the end of my life. For the first time in a long time my attention flows with the words I write. 

I open the door to my subconscious, move past the languid forms that disturbed me so three years ago. The infinite room does not have a door, but rather fades into nature, me with, a robed figure, floating gently the the fresh muddy paths of a forest. 

I meet others who are here. They are surprised I found my way here without the necessary medicines that push us past the limits of our perception. I return to write, aware that I have ventured into a place that is beyond subconsciousness. 

Read and be. 

So many tasks!

Hello all,

Yesterday I managed to run 10k. 

I also found myself in the funny situation of having 88 tasks to complete today. Why do my tasks pile up? 

I have a lot to do at work. But some pushing back tasks sees me on 33 tasks, which is somewhat more doable. 

I worked hard this week and feel able to step away

Hello all, 

My partner has stepped away from the house for a weekend to visit family. In this space I consider myself fortunate. 

What do I really want to write about? Discipline? Family? 

I think writing about my craft would be interesting. Could I write some books about this? Will my fingers fly? 

I am of an age where I... want to speak to my younger self. What might I have done differently? 

1) What would I say to myself upon leaving university? What would I say about those first steps? 

2) What would I say to myself in my PGCE? 

3) What would I say to myself in St Augustine's school? As I prepared my classes. As I ground out the teaching? 

4) What would I say to myself in Beijing? In that first posting? 

5) Would would I say to myself in Dubai? 

6) What would I say to myself in Manila? In those initial years? 

7) What might I say to myself now? 

I might be able to track these times through love: what I have sought and what I have found.  

I might be able to track these times through money. 

I might be able to track these times through the reasons I could not stay. 

I might choose to track these times through fitness (or otherwise!). 

We are moving apartment soon. Perhaps that makes it time to declutter suitably. With the clutter of this place around me, it is time to declutter. 

I have the blessing of space. Use it. 

____________

I used this space to throw out many boxes. I intend to keep cleaning up tomorrow as well. For now? Rest. 

Emotions dissipated

Whatever weak word emotion is, it represents my soul. Pieces of my soul have been bartered because my role as a father and knight has been not only ill-met - that role is unrecognised. 

Today I wish to declutter. 

I also wish to reorganise my list. 

__________________

It is unrecognisably hard to decide 'what we want'. My education is limited, and I barely researched 'what I want'. Teachers are failed in the sense that they have not aimed for the highest levels of academia. But academics do not necessarily impress me either.

I watched my friend deliver training yesterday. I was not super impressed. He was OK.   

Perhaps it is time for a new writing medium?

I often begin my writing with 'for a time' because I sit down without reflection. 

I feel physically unwell from eating pizza and drinking wine last night. I made poor choices about food because 

I called my family, and found distance and busyness. 

It is difficult to sit here and reflect. 

I want to declutter, at last. I have too much stuff for too small a space. It is time for me to declutter, and find space. 

I have 85 tasks today. 

There are so many. 

_______________________

How can a person write if they cannot be with their mind? 

Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation has to be one of the hardest things for me. 

I asked the AI to give me some metaphors to explain this, and to order them: 

1. Balancing: This metaphor is often considered helpful because it emphasizes the importance of finding equilibrium and stability in managing emotions. It suggests the need to manage conflicting feelings and maintain a harmonious emotional state.

2. Navigating: This metaphor implies the need for direction, strategy, and adaptability in regulating emotions, which can be constructive and actionable.

3. Channeling: This metaphor focuses on directing emotions towards specific actions or outcomes, emphasizing the constructive use of emotional energy.

4. Moderating: Highlighting the need to control the intensity of feelings, this metaphor encourages finding a middle ground and managing emotional extremes.

5. Harnessing: This metaphor suggests using emotions as powerful energies that can be directed effectively, emphasizing the potential for constructive use of emotional energy.

6. Steering: This metaphor emphasizes guidance and adaptability in navigating through challenging emotional situations, which can be helpful in encouraging proactive emotional management.

7. Tethering: While this metaphor implies restraint and control, it may also suggest a more restrictive or negative approach to managing emotions, which might not resonate with everyone.

8. Taming: This metaphor suggests that emotions are wild or unruly and need to be controlled, which may imply a more forceful or suppressive approach to emotional regulation.

9. Wrestling: While this metaphor acknowledges the struggle involved in emotional regulation, it may also imply a battle or conflict with one's emotions, which might not be as constructive or empowering.

10. Juggling: This metaphor, while vivid, may suggest that managing emotions is about constantly multitasking and can be overwhelming, which might not offer a reassuring or empowering perspective for some people.

I spend so little time with myself. 

I do not feel a strong emotional reason to write as once I did. 

Maybe because I write on my work computer...  whenever a deeper thought may rise, I can play a game of chess or browse an article. 

Maybe I do not need to write. I have enough money and life to be easy?

Some brief thoughts before breakfast

Today I am less disturbed by the annoyances of the day than I would be usually. 

I am emotionally trying to 'move towards' those negative emotions, or even just 'get behind' them as the impressions leave my mind. 

I worked well this morning, leaving myself with an easier time on a Sunday. 

Can I redirect my time? I wonder. Maybe? 

__________

I will likely redirect my blog. I once wrote it for fame and improvement. I do not want to be on social media. Therefore... 

The personalities are are famed in teaching are those who... DD is contentious... 

I am happy to be expert in what I do without influence. 

The first travel for many years

 I just returned from a long travel with my partner. To Japan we travelled for ten days. Wonderful food was experienced for each day, leaving me healthy and vibrant. 

I returned to my apartment, comfortable and warm. 

My todo list is small. 

My potential to socialise each day exists yet still. 

There is no real 'either side of the middle line screams freedom'. 

________________

I did realise how uptight I am about many things though. I felt extraordinary threat about many things: IC card charges, custom cards, and finding places. 

I should consider that more closely, moving towards such issues where I can. 

Too much speaking, no listening

As I grow more tired, I speak more. 

The mind cannot be controlled. It seems I must concentrate on something. I am the windows worried about Utter. 

Boundaries are necessary for the world outside. 

I used to feel that an understanding of philosophy would give me a happier take on the world. But: 

1) My network did not know philosophy enough. 

2) I did not engage with philosophy of the soul and mind enough.   

Reading my old diaries

I read my old diaries and was surprised how clearly I wrote. 

I often overcommunicate. I speak too many words. Instead, might I say as little as possible? 

I still read even in this busy time. I spend even longer looking at miniatures, planning future collections. 

I do not speak to my partner and myself with the kindness we deseserve. 

My mother is travelling to France, unable to contact me, but happily living boundaries in our relationship.

My health is OK at the moment, although I could run a little more in the gym. 

Sometimes my more feckless moments impact me 48 hours later. Realise that. 

There is an uncomfortable intensity swallowing me from this huge monitor. It is rare that I dedicate the entirety of my effort and mind towards something. 

I was meant to play some 40k with a dude in BGC today. We have not contacted each other. I am overwhelmed by my small hobby space, and the difficulty taking miniatures out of boxes. 

____

When I close my eyes and open a door in my mindpalace, I am greeted too often by the same experiences. 

I feel like I want to read and run more. I have moved away from that, and I think that is impacting me. 

I need to feel some stress. I need to realise that I want to listen. 

Sit with stress.  

73 Tasks on a Sunday:

I have 73 tasks on a Tuesday. 

Over 7 to 8 days I have been at least 75 in my sleeping. There is much to be said in that. 

I have not emotionally been able to 'deal with my eating'. 

I have struggled to run 25 minutes this week. 

I played a gig with minimal stress in comparison to before. 

I... want to feel happy! 

Over the past few weeks I have spoken about how I cannot control my mind. I am hostage to my body. 

Hostage to my body. 

I played BG3 yesterday, and finally found the evil tomes. 

I want to write somewhat about my school experience. 

I wrote a 

When I have so much on my plate, I cannot possibly write more.

Therefore, I worked quite hard today on catching up with stuff. Doing so cleared my mind somewhat. 

As folks say, we are busy in this school. Is that find? I think perhaps so. 

An emotional journey

My mother left Manila yesterday. She is moving to an age of frailty. 

At times I found her presence oppressive but I recognised that more. I felt myself forbidden to be annoyed in her presence. 

How I was in her presence made me unhappy.  

Physically I have been ill this week but I am getting better now. I was violently ill last week, and only now am I improving. 

I intend to play music this Friday coming up. The songs are easy enough, and I am capable of playing them. Part of me wants to feel no pressure at all.  

My sleep has improved this week. I have drunk nothing. I have been to the gym. I have been to bed at decent times. The temperature has been OK. 

I dreamt about planning teacher. Planning teaching, or planning life, is about engaging with imagination...

I dreamt a few days ago about the grassy corridor between a garden and a house... it was solitude. The temperature was brisk and bright. I had some space to be and to write. 

How might might I be able to read? I am finding it hard to read Regeneration. I might finish it today, but it has been a grind. 

To what extent can I avoid the distractions of the internet? Can the internet make for better? How intense is human connection with the distraction of a phone or internet? 

I asked the AI for organisation, and it gave me this: 

1. Chronological Order:

Section 1: Departure and Reflection

• Introduction: Mother's departure from Manila
• Paragraph 1: Reflect on feelings about her departure
• Paragraph 2: Physical illness and recovery

Section 2: Musical Interlude

• Paragraph 3: Plans to play music and desire for no pressure

Section 3: Improved Habits and Dreams

• Paragraph 4: Improved sleep and lifestyle habits
• Paragraph 5: Dreams about teaching and solitude

Section 4: Challenges and Reflections

• Paragraph 6: Struggles with reading and thoughts on "Regeneration"
• Paragraph 7: Reflections on internet distractions and human connection

2. Theme-based Organization:

Section 1: Departure and Reflection

• Introduction: Mother's departure and emotional impact
• Paragraph 1: Reflections on mother's presence and its effect on happiness
• Paragraph 2: Physical illness as a reflection of emotional state

Section 2: Pursuit of Passion

• Paragraph 3: Plans to play music as a form of release and joy
• Paragraph 4: Desire for a pressure-free experience

Section 3: Lifestyle and Dreams

• Paragraph 5: Improved habits and their impact on sleep
• Paragraph 6: Dreams about teaching and solitude

Section 4: Challenges and Reflections

• Paragraph 7: Struggles with reading and thoughts on "Regeneration"
• Paragraph 8: Reflections on internet distractions and human connection

3. Emotional Journey:

Section 1: Emotional Turmoil

• Introduction: Mother's departure and initial emotional response
• Paragraph 1: Complex feelings about her presence
• Paragraph 2: Impact of emotions on physical health

Section 2: Musical Escape

• Paragraph 3: Escape through playing music
• Paragraph 4: Desire for a pressure-free experience

Section 3: Finding Balance

• Paragraph 5: Improvement in lifestyle and habits
• Paragraph 6: Dreams about solitude and self-reflection

Section 4: Mental Challenges and Reflections

• Paragraph 7: Struggles with reading and reflections on the book "Regeneration"
• Paragraph 8: Contemplation on internet distractions and human connection

Two weeks with my mother

I think over the past two weeks, paying attention to my stomach. My stomach is unsettled. Although not as turbulent as before, its waves stir uneasily against the limits of my guts. 

Yesterday I was violently ill. I still managed to move and play music in school on minimal sleep. To not play would be more difficult.  

Last night I slept poorly, apparently. But at least I lay in bed for 9 hours. I hope this evening I might sleep better. 

When I am ill my nerves begin to tangle painfully. My anxious disposition remains with me, potentially looking after me. 

I can work hard in my current school. I do not have to work hard if I do not want to. 

Read and exercise lightly most days. Could I do both every day? 

My wonderful partner seems to be happy at the moment. I wonder if I could support her better? Support her more fitfully? 

One day I might step into my mind and put into order the chaos we will find. 

A reflection of reading

 For three weeks now I have read intensely. 

I have finished five sci books. I finished a chapter in the context book. I finished a chapter in the problem solving book. 

I stepped away from academia, finding the distance element was not just horizontal, but verticle, placing me at the bottom of a pile. 

A thousand files remain to download. 

I enjoyed a day not writing on this. 

The World is Anger? Just Read

I 'finished' the Stephen King this week.

I lost the thread of the story several times. The power of my concentration dimmed more than once. I think I need to do something about that.  

Ride to the university, waking up early despite the drink and poor food. Sit in front of the library lifts, ready to read early. Find yourself falling asleep, more than once. 

I think it is important to 'overallocate' time to do things, especially when the involve institutions and other people. 

I should probably talk to Joanne at some point about my experiences. 

_____

My concentration is questionable. But I feel if I just read, then good things will happen. 

_____

As I wake up and think about the minor inconveniences that fall before me, I should just read. 

In comparison to the smart and well-read person I could, my mind feels like mush. 

I think the todo list has affected me in a strange way. 

Gym?  

Another good week: be cool?

To think that we can control our thoughts is hubris at best. But we can control our secondary thoughts, or how much 'fucks' we give to something that has popped to us. 

I have read over the past three weeks a tremendous number of books. Reading again is resonating music within me. I think I will actually begin to read some Steven King. 

I realise how important communication is with my partner. I feel there is some spark needed, and some time. And I feel I need to figure out what is important and to spend time on that. 

Running, and planning traveling. 

I look at my todo list. It is overwhelming with things that I do not really want to do. And it is overwhelming with stuff I do not find I want to do. 

But... I gymed. I read. I avoided wasteful wants. 

Ready for a new year - will I stay well?

Every January for many years I suffer illness. 

This December I fell low with sinus and ear infections. However, I feel better now. 

My sleep has been variable. However, I have managed to push it above 75 recently. Out of seven days, four were above 75, with last night above 80. I could easily have suffered in my sleep but instead I enjoyed discipline enough to feel well. 

I am not focused enough on my home life with my partner. I need to consider that more, I think. 

I am running now most days with strength. My knees hurt less and my weight is beginning to regulate itself. My abs are showing, and my core grows stronger. 

2024 feels like a positive year. 

I want to read me. I lay in bed and I enjoy reading. 

So much 'I'

 I have read more in three days than I have for perhaps a year. 

I have about 53 tasks. Again, this is too much. I wonder if I can change how I approach 'too many tasks'?

I enjoy