An emotional journey

My mother left Manila yesterday. She is moving to an age of frailty. 

At times I found her presence oppressive but I recognised that more. I felt myself forbidden to be annoyed in her presence. 

How I was in her presence made me unhappy.  

Physically I have been ill this week but I am getting better now. I was violently ill last week, and only now am I improving. 

I intend to play music this Friday coming up. The songs are easy enough, and I am capable of playing them. Part of me wants to feel no pressure at all.  

My sleep has improved this week. I have drunk nothing. I have been to the gym. I have been to bed at decent times. The temperature has been OK. 

I dreamt about planning teacher. Planning teaching, or planning life, is about engaging with imagination...

I dreamt a few days ago about the grassy corridor between a garden and a house... it was solitude. The temperature was brisk and bright. I had some space to be and to write. 

How might might I be able to read? I am finding it hard to read Regeneration. I might finish it today, but it has been a grind. 

To what extent can I avoid the distractions of the internet? Can the internet make for better? How intense is human connection with the distraction of a phone or internet? 

I asked the AI for organisation, and it gave me this: 

1. Chronological Order:

Section 1: Departure and Reflection

• Introduction: Mother's departure from Manila
• Paragraph 1: Reflect on feelings about her departure
• Paragraph 2: Physical illness and recovery

Section 2: Musical Interlude

• Paragraph 3: Plans to play music and desire for no pressure

Section 3: Improved Habits and Dreams

• Paragraph 4: Improved sleep and lifestyle habits
• Paragraph 5: Dreams about teaching and solitude

Section 4: Challenges and Reflections

• Paragraph 6: Struggles with reading and thoughts on "Regeneration"
• Paragraph 7: Reflections on internet distractions and human connection

2. Theme-based Organization:

Section 1: Departure and Reflection

• Introduction: Mother's departure and emotional impact
• Paragraph 1: Reflections on mother's presence and its effect on happiness
• Paragraph 2: Physical illness as a reflection of emotional state

Section 2: Pursuit of Passion

• Paragraph 3: Plans to play music as a form of release and joy
• Paragraph 4: Desire for a pressure-free experience

Section 3: Lifestyle and Dreams

• Paragraph 5: Improved habits and their impact on sleep
• Paragraph 6: Dreams about teaching and solitude

Section 4: Challenges and Reflections

• Paragraph 7: Struggles with reading and thoughts on "Regeneration"
• Paragraph 8: Reflections on internet distractions and human connection

3. Emotional Journey:

Section 1: Emotional Turmoil

• Introduction: Mother's departure and initial emotional response
• Paragraph 1: Complex feelings about her presence
• Paragraph 2: Impact of emotions on physical health

Section 2: Musical Escape

• Paragraph 3: Escape through playing music
• Paragraph 4: Desire for a pressure-free experience

Section 3: Finding Balance

• Paragraph 5: Improvement in lifestyle and habits
• Paragraph 6: Dreams about solitude and self-reflection

Section 4: Mental Challenges and Reflections

• Paragraph 7: Struggles with reading and reflections on the book "Regeneration"
• Paragraph 8: Contemplation on internet distractions and human connection

Two weeks with my mother

I think over the past two weeks, paying attention to my stomach. My stomach is unsettled. Although not as turbulent as before, its waves stir uneasily against the limits of my guts. 

Yesterday I was violently ill. I still managed to move and play music in school on minimal sleep. To not play would be more difficult.  

Last night I slept poorly, apparently. But at least I lay in bed for 9 hours. I hope this evening I might sleep better. 

When I am ill my nerves begin to tangle painfully. My anxious disposition remains with me, potentially looking after me. 

I can work hard in my current school. I do not have to work hard if I do not want to. 

Read and exercise lightly most days. Could I do both every day? 

My wonderful partner seems to be happy at the moment. I wonder if I could support her better? Support her more fitfully? 

One day I might step into my mind and put into order the chaos we will find.